“You Look Tired.” “Thanks, It’s My Chronic Pain”

In April of this year, I went to my doctor’s office. I thought I had a UTI. I knew the symptoms; I’d been getting them since I was 16, long before I was sexually active, but no doctor had ever told me it could be anything else.

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A Brief History of My Unfortunate Attraction to Men

Despite being raised in a culture that would have me believe that there is nothing more sinful or shameful than loving someone of the same assigned gender as yourself, I have always struggled with accepting my attraction to men more than my attraction to women. After all, it is a truth universally acknowledged that men are mostly pretty bad. Not all men, they keep telling me. Then how come I still have yet to meet a single Not-All Man, huh?

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What Jane Austen Taught Me About My Feminism

I was always a feminist. I wasn’t supposed to be one. I was raised by people who unironically use the term “feminiazi”. I was raised in a church which prohibited women from being spiritual leaders. I was never supposed to be a feminist, but I always was. Before I knew what feminism was, I was a feminist.

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Coming Into Ficus

It was around September when I bought the indestructible Aloe vera plant, which is currently residing in/ overtaking the built-in shelves of my old Dallas apartment. I looked it up once and my apartment was built in 1963, which by Dallas standards is old, but by other cities standards would be practically brand new. The 1963 part is also important because it’s the year Dallas got the nickname “City of Hate” after being the scene of one of our most popular presidents last breath. You’ve come through a lot little apartment.

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Where Were You When You Realized You Were in Love With Alton Brown?

You can’t imagine your childhood without Alton Brown. He was a fixture, popping in periodically on weekday afternoons to play puppets and build nifty contraptions with you. He always had something cool to show you about the food you took for granted. He made you laugh, equipped you with a list of fun facts to impress your young friends. 

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I am DONE Dating Professional Athletes

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I never set out to date a guy who sweats and wears a jersey for a living – sports aren’t really my thing. I mean, I love baseball, but my favorite things about baseball are cold beer, garlic fries, and getting drunk at two in the afternoon… So yeah, sports don’t really do it for me. And while I am no expert, (I’m calling it quits after dating just one pro), when it comes to my love life, I feel comfortable putting a universal ban on all athletes and here’s why: Continue reading “I am DONE Dating Professional Athletes”

3 Ways to Change Yourself into Someone You Like

Occasionally, I find myself staring into a pool of water, gazing at my reflection Narcissus style, but instead of falling in love I just feel an overwhelming feeling of disdain and insecurity. We’ve all been there, trapped by Nemesis, the God of revenge, unable to look away from our own reflection and unable to realize that obsessing over our flaws is just as bad as obsessing over our own reflections. But, I’m here, with the help of pop culture, to assist you in finding true inner happiness. 3 ways to change yourself into someone you like:

1. Get you some “cool juice” or some “boss sauce” and a transformation chamber and become Stefan Urquelle. Maybe you’re whole life you’ve felt like a minor character in a sitcom that later became the series star and that’s not enough for you. Your signature catchphrases and superb grasp of normcore style just doesn’t seem cool enough, so find yourself a transformation chamber and watch out world because here comes a new slow talkin’ charmer whose never going to nervously ask, “did I do that?”

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2. Get a former Family Matters guest star to make a bet about changing you, put on a red dress and a sixpence none the richer song. There’s no better way to know your self worth than by basing it off the judgement of a man who would later star in a live action a scooby doo movie. Get rid of your glasses already, nerd!

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3. Do a good old fashioned body swap! You could do this the Freaky Friday way, saying “I wish I could be her for one whole day” or getting on the wrong side of the mother of a Chinese restaurant owner or Katherine Heigl style and wish upon a star. What’s a better way to find inner happiness than by just simply being someone else? “You’re it you’re the ultimate you (as someone else)”

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When it comes down to it, you only live have a few options for finding inner happiness, one of these very plausible transformation scenarios or simply by realizing that you have to live with yourself so you might as well try to be your best self. The next time you find yourself cursed by a Greek God in the middle of a forest I ask you to just take a moment and give yourself a break.