Every Man I’ve Dated Owns a Record Player. What Does That Say About Me?

After careful reflection, I’ve realized that every man I’ve dated has owned a record player and honestly, that is where the similarities end. What does this mean? Is there a cosmic meaning or message hidden in the spinning vinyl? Let’s discuss.


Huey (names have been changed) was a handsome young thing that I met at a concert. A collector of vinyl both old and new, he has recently come out with his own record, which is very good. His record player was next to a bowl of pipes and weed and I would get a thrill when he’d ask me to flip the record over to the B side.

Dewie. Oh Dewie. Where do I start? No, he wasn’t a figment of my imagination or a Disney cartoon, but he was a very special guy. I haven’t ever dated anyone quite like him. I would call to let him know I was on my way and when I’d walk in the door, he would hand me a glass of bourbon, and give my lemon lips a big kiss. He’d always have a record on and the sound would fill up the living room of his big old house. We eventually ended things because I was tired of getting white feathers stuck in my chapstick, but damn, it was pretty sweet for a while. (P.S. you too can have the sweetest lemon lips)


(This is Devendra Banhart. Not an actual ex-love of mine, but he’s cute, you know?)

Louie and I had a long and difficult relationship but some of my favorite memories include the record player. Back then we loved cooking together and most nights Louie would walk over to the record player, put on some tunes, and we would take a little break to dance in the kitchen. Louie was an excellent dancer, even if his big orange feet would get in the way of mine sometimes. (JK. JK. I keep forgetting I wasn’t actually dating cartoon ducks! Life is long and memories get muddled…)


So, what does this mean for me? Should I overanalyze this? Nope. Definitely Not.

Lesson Learned: I need to go out and get my own damn record player.

Editor’s Note: This post is a submission from HAILSTORM, whom you can find on Instagram at @hayleysdyer. Email SuperGlooze@gmail.com if you are interested in contributing.

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