Sorry! We can only imagine how traumatic that experience must have been for you. However, there is simply no way for us to offer you health benefits at this time.
Yes, we are aware that approximately 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men have experienced calling their teacher “Mom” at some point in their life. Unfortunately, through careful consideration of our board of home-schoolers, we have determined that these actions negate the eligibility of a middle school student, present or former, to receive medical coverage. Ultimately, we aim to educate the students on the consequences of their actions, which will haunt them forever for the rest of their lives.
We are doing our best to appear sorry for the inconvenience.
***Update. Good news! In lieu of medical coverage, we are now offering a Thoughts and Prayers™ package with copays starting at the low low price of $179.99 plus shipping, handling, and your dignity.