Help! I’m Bisexual and I’m No Longer Allowed to Eat Meals With Any Human


Ever since president [redacted] made it illegal to eat food near anyone you’re at risk of being attracted to, we’ve been having problems. First they came for the straights, to which it was said “no food with anyone whose thingy is opposite.” Then they remembered the gays, and an amendment was made saying “no food with anyone whose stuff could cause your stuff pleasure.” Now I’m not allowed to have lunch with any of my friends, since I’m a liability to get horned up by everyone! I guess it’s good that I like eating alone, since that’s really my only option now. Maybe I can start sharing meals with my cat? Although I do kiss his forehead sometimes, so I guess that’s out of the picture too. Whatever it takes to keep me from stealing everyone’s girlfriends and boyfriends, I guess.

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