President Obama Wiretapped My IPhone and He Probably Also Deleted All My DVRed Chopped, Jr Episodes.


I’m not a hacker. I don’t know exactly how it works. I assume that Obama flew up to the cloud to check out my fb messages, which normally only Mark Zuckerberg reads to decide how he can package my loneliness and sell it back to me  in the form of Internet validation and my amazon prime addiction. Anyway, Obama flew up to the cloud and while he was there he was like oh wow, she’s been recording Chopped, Jr, my favorite show, and then proceeded to watch all of them deleting them from my DVR. And furthermore Cara, my roommate, it was definitely not something that I did after I fell asleep last Tuesday while consuming my second glass of Pinot Grigio. You know I can handle two glasses of white wine Cara and so it was definitely Obama and NOT ME.

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