Cosmopolitan Magazine is known for it’s outrageous and often over-the-top sex tips, so it’s pretty dang ridiculous that they deemed these ones that I pitched to be “unsuitable for any human.” Let’s take a look at some of my rejected advice.
Many men privately express that they wish their partner would be more assertive in bed. To take control and show him a good time, firmly grasp the dinger, rubbing it slowly from the starboard side. Carefully adjust your method, transitioning into a sharp jabbing motion. If he starts to object, just tell him you are trying to help push it back inside, since most girls prefer an innie.
34% of men said they wish a girl would surprise them with oral. As a gift to your man, set up a hot mouth on dong sesh at an unexpected time. Simply master the art of forgery in order to construct a letter addressed to your man from his mother, saying that Pop Pop has died. Meanwhile, while he is understandably devastated, make sure he flies back to Ohio for the funeral. Once he arrives at the funeral, prepared to kiss his sweet grampy goodbye, emerge from the open casket and blow him right there in front of his aunts, uncles, and cousins, as a power move.
Some guys enjoy being called “daddy” in bed. Take your dirty talk to the next level and shout out your Father’s full legal name at the moment he climaxes.
If you’re feeling frisky, try to stealthily turn your man on while you’re in public. When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need to borrow some change. Casually stick your hand into his pants pocket and touch his bingbong through the fabric. Dig around for a few seconds looking for the coins you need. Once you’ve excited him, whisper in his ear “it is proven that a ship does not sink behind a hill of water upon the horizon, but that it is actually shifted perspective which hides it, thus demonstrating that the earth can not be a globe, furthermore, multiple experiments have shown half sunken ships to be restored in full sight simply by looking at them through a telescope, showing that they are not actually hiding behind a curvature of water.”
A lot of guys are turned on by the thought of fooling around in public. Give yourselves an audience by making all your pet frogs watch while you bone. If you make eye contact with any of them, you must shower and start over.
Recreate every man’s secret fantasy by incorporating something sweet into your foreplay. For a special dessert, take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combos, such as whipped cream, honey, chocolate sauce, peanut butter, 2 ½ cups flour, ¾ cup brown sugar, 1 egg. Combine in a medium bowl and beat until smooth. Fold in the walnuts (optional) and pour into lined muffin tins. Bake at 350°F for 12-16 minutes, until golden brown. Serve fresh from the oven, plain or with jam.