Some Relationship Advice, From Me, Your Friend Who Has Been Single For Six Years

When you’re perpetually single, sometimes, inexplicably, friends will come to you for dating advice. I’ve put together some advice I’ve given my friends over the years that I think may help you (and them!) out.

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1.  Communication- Text him, but not like too much. Send a winking emoji and then a poop one, keep him guessing. When you’re out with friends, don’t message him. When you’re asleep, don’t message him. Keep not messaging him, wait until he starts to worry. Send him an ouija board anonymously. Make him communicate with you via the spirit world.
2. Honesty- Honesty is key to a good relationship. Tell him you farted in sixth grade and blamed it on Michael. Tell him you’re carrying a lot of baggage from all your previous relationships and you’re not even sure you’re functioning in a realistic capacity as a human and this is all a farce. Show him your google search history.
3. Trust- Don’t ask him who he’s texting. Do not install a key tracker on his computer. If he’s talking to his mom, refuse to acknowledge her, only call her by her first name or “the other woman.” Delete all contacts out of his phone. Buy him a pet, that’s his only friend now.

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