Things I Would Do If Rami Malek Asked Me To

1. have both of my kidneys surgically removed, then throw them in the trash

2. never drink a Diet Coke again

3. listen to Radiohead

4. climb Mt. Everest, with a crossfit instructor as my sole companion

5. wear one of those shirts with the weird shoulder holes (You know the ones… with the indecipherable, fluttery sleeves? I hate them.)

6. tattoo his name across my chest

7. tattoo his face across my chest

8. tattoo his face across my face

9. tell Ariana Grande her latest album was just okay

10. move to some bullshit European country, like France or Germany

11. take the rap for when he hacked the FBI on the reality TV series Mr. Robot

12. lie about being terminally ill, create a GoFundMe and give him all the money

13. have both my lungs removed with a hacksaw and no anesthesia, then stomp on them

14. bath salts

Things I Would Never Do, Even If Rami Malek Asked Me To

1. love another man

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