Welcome back to Bachelorette Party, the only Bachelorette recap series you’ll ever need! Apologies for the mid-season hiatus. I have been very busy with life and such, but I am back this week to continue throwing my thoughts on the weird love lives of a bunch of strangers in your faces!
JoJo and her boys are in Argentina this week! A place in South America, if I recall correctly, but then again, who can really say where Argentina is?
Immediately after telling everyone how he’s never gotten a one-on-one date, Wells gets a one-on-one date! Yay, Wells! I love you!
Much to the amusement of the jacked-up roidbois he shares living quarters and a girlfriend with, Wells has not kissed JoJo yet. It’s sweet. He’s waiting for the right time, and he doesn’t want to aggressively shove his face into her face with little to no buildup like the rest of these jabronis. Also what kind of sociopath wants their first kiss with someone to be on camera? It makes perfect sense, and the other dudes are real fucking douchepickles for harping about it constantly. I hate you, douchepickles.
Can you tell that Wells is my favorite?
Wells and JoJo go to some sort of Argentine performance art type deal and it’s the coolest thing I’ve seen all season. Yes, they kiss. While rolling around in the water in a dark room. It’s actually very hot, and feel privileged to have gotten to see it. I was about to add “But not in a creepy way” but now that I’ve thought about it, yes. In a creepy way.
Sadly, however, during their conversation during dinner, it becomes apparent that Wells and JoJo have different ideas when it comes to long-term love. Wells is a bit more realistic, looking for compatibility over passion. JoJo wants to know what the hell is so wrong with chasing a fantasy fireworks unicorn sort of Great Forever Love. Instead of doing what most contestants do and backtracking to align himself with JoJo’s visions, Wells stands by his original ideas. Wells does not get the rose, but at least he can go home knowing he was honest and conducted himself with as much integrity as is possible on a fundamentally skeevy show like this one.
Anyway, Wells if you’re reading this, I’m single. I’m not even close to as hot as JoJo, and also not nearly as nice, but, um… I know a lot about the internet?
America’s next very cool but also adorable power couple????
With Wells gone, everyone left on the show is a boring asshole. Except James T, he’s a sweetheart. Still kind of boring though. Oh and everyone has the exact same haircut. The. Same. Exact. One.
The group date is exactly as homogeneously boring as you’d expect. Luke gets the group date rose, presumably for gripping JoJo’s thigh like he was trying to snap it in two the entire night. Seriously, Luke. How the absolute fuck does one man manage to be both maximum boring and maximum creepy? Literally his only defining trait is “sinks his claws into JoJo like he just ran down a particularly juicy-looking gazelle”. This is a small thing I SUPPOSE, but it reads like a huge warning sign to me.
Oh also James T tries to create some drama for Not-Aaron Rogers because he didn’t understand the rules of poker or something. I don’t know, it’s very dumb. I hate seeing James try his hand at manipulation. He is too pure, and I don’t want to see him corrupted. Also he’s bad at it. So, so incredibly bad. JoJo talks to Jordan about his treatment of the other contestants and OF COURSE Jordan gets pissed and acts like a jerk. You all look like idiot teenagers right now. Get a fucking grip.
Random Side Note: Bachelorettes always seem to take complaints/concerns of contestants much better than Bachelors. In particular, I can’t help but think of the way Sean Lowe’s face would go terrifyingly dark whenever a woman wanted to talk about being treated badly by other contestants. Men have this “don’t bother me with your petty drama because I don’t care how you all treat anyone other than me” sort of attitude that is much less prevalent in women, and I THINK IT IS VERY TELLING ABOUT THE WAY WE RAISE WHITE MEN TO BE SUPER ENTITLED AND INSENSITIVE. Okay, I’m done.
Last date of the week: Another two-on-one?! Yep, for some reason, we’re doing a second one this season. Two-on-ones are the most uncomfortable things that happen on this show, and I don’t understand why they exist at all except to force burgeoning rivalries between contestants to come to a head. This two-on-one is with Chase and Derek. They do sexy dancing with JoJo and Chase doesn’t have a single emotion the entire time except for surprise that he is expected to do dancing.
Derek and Chase are both maybe the MOST boring contestants left in the game alongside every other contestant left in the game. I don’t like either of them. That said, during the dance practice and their talks afterward, Derek seemed to really be engaging with JoJo and with the world in general. He felt things, and he expressed them. Chase was an absolute blank slate the entire time. So, naturally, JoJo gives the rose to Chase after begging him to open up to her and him kiiiiind of complying.
Derek goes home, tears streaming down his face in the car. And in the one quote I’ve heard that has described my entire life the most accurately, he sobs, “Fuck. Why am I… Why am I crying?” Same, Derek.
I wonder if it will be any consolation for him to watch this episode and see how much JoJo cried, too. She’s a good woman, and I really like her.
After losing Wells and Derek, we are down to six contestants left in the game. JoJo must send one home during the rose ceremony. Except that she doesn’t really have to, because eliminating Wells on a one-on-one this late in the game means there’s an extra slot in the cast. But of course we have to go through the drama of pretending someone is going to be eliminated because without the drama, literally what is this show?
James and Alex wait for JoJo to call one of their names to receive the final rose. JoJo tearfully runs off, tells Chris Harrison that she just can’t choose, and after leading the men and the audience to believe for short second that both men were about to be goners (but not really if you’re at all savvy because you know eliminating both would pare down the cast too much and result in a shorter season), JoJo gives roses to both James and Alex.
James is tearfully grateful because being a grateful boy is his whole thing. He really is such a good and humble guy. It is a real shame I can’t find it within me to find him sexy.
Alex gets very angry and shouty, as is the Alex Way. What, would you prefer that you go home? A “pity rose” is still a rose, dude. Shut the fuck up for two seconds. My god, I hate you.
Here are my power rankings.
CURRENT PERSONAL FAVORITE: Wells still counts cause he was in this episode! I’ll try to pick another one next week, but no promises!
CURRENT PICK TO WIN: Luke, I guess? I hate all of these dudes.
CURRENT PICK FOR NEXT BACHELOR: If it’s not Jordan, I’ll give everyone who reads this a fiver.
WOULD YOU JUST… DO FUCKING LESS: Alex
This is the stage in the game where things start to get really painful. Each good-bye will be harder than the last. JoJo has much to go through, and I really wish her well.