Bachelorette Party: Week Three, Part One

Welcome to Bachelorette Party, the only Bachelorette recap series you need! Today, we continue our journey to find love with JoJo for the third week.

The last episode was entirely about Chad. This episode was entirely about Chad. It loos like next episode will be, too. And I get it. Chad has more personality than every other dude in the house put together. Also he is really committed to this villain role. But I feel like I don’t know any of the other contestants at all right now.

The first one-on-one date is with some guy named Chase who I absolutely forgot existed. Why is JoJo picking the absolute most boring white men for ever one-on-one date? Even the fact that they go do some sort of weird sex yoga together can’t make their date interesting. But somehow Chase still gets a rose, and JoJo genuinely seems like she’s enjoying the faux intimacy and the faux-deep relationship talk. God, this sort of vapid agreeableness almost (almost) makes me appreciate Chad. At least he’s honest and not the most boring dude on the planet.

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JoJo, trying to pretend she’s looking at a person and not a mannequin.

For the group date, the guys and JoJo go see what seems like maybe a cool theater event where women perform monologues about their weird/funny sex stories. Then the dudes are put on the spot to deliver their own funny sex stories. They’re all mostly good sports, though maybe slightly uncomfortable. It’s strange to see people getting so explicit about sex on The Bachelorette. Usually, it’s only alluded to with vague terminology. Daniel tells a story about cutting off a piece of a girl’s hair after sex? So that’s fine. Daniel is fine. Not a serial killer. Just Canadian. It’s okay.

Chad, however. Yeah, of course Chad can’t just do a thing and be cool about it. Chad decides that JoJo hasn’t “earned” his sex stories. So he won’t tell one. Instead, he pulls JoJo onstage and gives some half-assed excuse about how he doesn’t care about the past, he’s just looking forward! He tries to kiss JoJo, and she cheeks him so hard. It was a thing of beauty. Alex jizzed himself watching it.

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Suck it, Chad. Suck cheek, dude!

Chad is not the only one who sucks, though. Let me make that quite clear. Some of these dudes (*cough* Alex *cough* Evan *cough*) are positively gleeful to have a target to provoke. Everyone seems hell bent on needling Chad into an explosion. I don’t feel bad for him, and I certainly don’t hold him in any higher regard because of it, but he’s in good company. A lot of these dudes are the worst.

Like Evan, who let’s be honest should thank his lucky stars he somehow made it on this show every time he looks in the mirror. Evan should be keeping his head down. But, no, Evan wants to provoke the most jacked-up muscleman in the entire house. For what? The sheer drama of it all? I don’t understand. Guys. Just shut up and let Chad be the asshole. It’s not that hard. 

But, no. Evan decides to give a speech on the group date that implies Chad is using steroids or something, which he almost certainly is, but that’s beside the point. It serves its purpose, which was to make Chad upset. Congratulations. You wanted this, remember? That was literally the whole reason you did this. But Evan still acts shocked and terrified when Chad aggressively grabs at the back of his shirt and then punches a door. Jesus fucking Christ, Chad. Have one ounce of chill, man.

alexjizzinghimself
Alex also jizzed himself watching Evan’s weird Chad-attack monologue.

And now it’s time for our favorite segment, SERIOUS RED FLAG.

SERIOUS RED FLAG

So Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum of him or Chad because he no longer feels safe around Chad which absolutely ridiculous. JoJo has nothing to do with your weird rivalry. Don’t make this her problem, come on. That is absolutely a weird manipulation technique and tells me that you aren’t worried about JoJo’s feelings a fraction as much as you are worried about somehow sticking it to this younger, hotter, stronger man and gaining some sort of dominance over him. Stop trying to manipulate JoJo into cleaning up your messes for you!

At one point during this group date, the guys end up trading just the absolute worst series of insults back and forth. It was straight up comical. 

Chad: “You’re gonna need to get a couple more tattoos if you want to look like a badass.”

Alex: “Uh, your whole thing? Yeah, it’s not working.”

OH WOW SICK BURNS GUYS DAMN HAHA OH SHIT

Evan and Alex both continue to relentlessly push Chad. God, they want him to break. I hate everyone involved in this except for my sweet angel Wells who has the good sense to observe quietly, just sipping his champagne and enjoying the drama while staying under the radar. You go, Wells! I love you, and we’re getting married.

JoJo has definitely cooled on Chad at this point. She is distant when interacting with him. She calls him disrespectful. She doesn’t let him interrupt her time with other contestants like he kept doing last week. However I still won’t be surprised if he gets a rose at the end of tonight’s conclusion of this week’s two-parter. The producers are getting so much out of this guy.

After giving it some thought, JoJo seems to sidestep Evan’s ultimatum. I’m glad she realizes it was unfair to her and is willing to stand her ground. But she still gives Evan the rose (????!!!??!?!?!?!!) to reassure him that she appreciates him. Then she kisses him because she kind of had to at that point. It was mercifully short, but not pretty to behold.

James T gets the second one-on-one date. James T is very warm and friendly, and definitely is one of the few contestants to have any sort of personality to speak of. I guess I just don’t find him sexually appealing. He seems like a great guy to be bros with to me. JoJo seems to like him though! They learn some swing dance moves, and they both look like they’re having a lot of fun. It was one of the few parts of this episode that were actually a joy to watch. 

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JoJo is so pretty I have to go claw my face off in the mirror now.

Aaaaand then James got the guitar out. It was going so well, and then he got the guitar out. James. I said it last week and I’ll say it again, I like James when he’s not singing. And then he starts singing. Guy, just relax with the gimmick. Just be a dude. 

So since this week has been split into two episodes due to Chad providing just too much delicious drama, the party and rose ceremony will air tonight. I’m going to save my weekly rankings until after I watch tonight’s episode, so be sure to check back tomorrow.

Here’s hoping we get more scenes of Chad shoving raw potatoes and leaves of lettuce into his facehole whilst Daniel compares him to various historically tyrannical dictators.

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