Bachelorette Party: Week Two

Welcome to Bachelorette Party, the only Bachelorette recap series you need! Today, we continue our journey to find love with JoJo for the second week.

Boy, did this episode not waste any time diving into the drama.

The first group date of the week is some sort of firefighter challenge which seems poorly thought out seeing how Grant is literally a firefighter. Of course he won the challenge and the extra time with JoJo. Luke for some reason was really mad about this. Bro, you lost to an actual firefighter. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Relax. Luke is way intense, and it scares me.

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Grant, the actual firefighter and also the shocking winner of the firefighting challenge.

My poor boyfriend Wells really struggled through this. He’s one of the only guys on this show right now who isn’t a jacked up muscledude. Which is why I love him. He nearly passes out, but he plays it off so well, and JoJo doesn’t fault him at all for displaying less traditional “masculinity”. In fact, she appreciates his willingness to go out of his comfort zone so much that he gets a rose out of it. Way to go, Wells.

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This is a cool photo of my two future husbands.

Some guy named Derek got the one-on-one date. Who? Was there a Derek last week? Anyway, he’s boring and the date is boring but he still gets a rose. Whatever. We don’t care about Derek.

The second group date is some sports TV show thing because unlike lesser dirtskanks such as myself, JoJo likes sports! The TV men make the dudes do a bunch of activities that are vaguely sports-related. One of them involving giving JoJo fake proposals? Listen, I don’t know anything about sports, maybe that truly is the kind of thing they do. James T gets the rose.

Some weird shit is going down at the house this week. On the one hand, most of the dudes seem to be broing out and having a grand old time. James T wrote a fun, silly song about JoJo and all the dudes join in and sing with him. It was really goofy and entertaining, and exactly the kind of contestants-bonding-in-the-face-of-highly-emotional-competition thing that I love seeing on these shows.

(Man, I really struggled to make up my mind about James T. I find his whole gimmick as Singing Man to be exhausting and irritating, but also he’s really nice and fun and seems like a great bro. But then after getting the rose he said “I don’t deserve how this day has gone,” and you know what? Fine. I’m in, James T. You won me over. See, you’re great when you’re not singing.) 

On the other hand, everyone hates Chad. Except Daniel because only Daniel is awful enough to bond with Chad over shared awfulness. The thing about Chad is that a lot of what he says makes sense. But this is The Bachelorette. Sense is irrelevant here. Also, Chad is just so aggressive and smarmy and clearly takes an immense pleasure in riling other people up/making them uncomfortable. And that’s why Chad gets to be the first subject of my new segment, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

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Starring Chad

Chad. Buddy. Why are you here? Yeah, obviously it’s insane to behave like you’re in love with a woman you literally just met. You’re right that these dudes are playing along with a very strange game. But Chad? You signed up for this game, too. You signed up for this game, and now you’re refusing to play. You rolled into the quidditch match with a hockey stick in hand, and now you’re calling everyone who bought a flying broom and learned the rules of quidditch an idiot and a child. Why did you sign up to play quidditch if you are so intent on playing hockey, Chad? Why are you even here?

Chad will stick around for a while because the show needs a villain, and he’s embraced the role wholeheartedly. But Chad will not make it to hometown dates, because Chad has committed the cardinal sin of The Bachelor/ette. He has pulled back the curtain, called the game and established himself as unwilling to play it. You don’t win The Bachelorette and you don’t become the next Bachelor unless you’re willing to drink the Kool-Aid, or at least be very good at acting like you did.

Also, and this is very important, I’m introducing another segment which I am calling SERIOUS RED FLAG in which I will point out instances of emotional abuse/manipulation. These things can be easy to miss when you are not attuned to them.

SERIOUS RED FLAG

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Surprise! It’s starring Chad again.

On the second group date, Chad played along half-heartedly. While the others offered more flowery fake-propoals, Chad opted for a barebones “Will you marry me?” JoJo gently and playfully tried to coax him into playing along with a bit more enthusiasm at which point he called her “naggy” and I shouted OH HELL NO at my TV. JoJo was clearly taken aback at Chad deciding to make his unwillingness to play the game he signed up for her problem instead, but tried to play it off and be cool. Later, Chad decided to employ a very common gaslighting technique that men love. The “I Was Just Kidding, Why Can’t You Be Cool” tactic. By claiming he was joking and telling JoJo he “thought she could handle it” he suddenly shifts responsibility for the tense moment he created to JoJo to bear. The sad thing is that this works like a charm. He has hardly finished speaking before JoJo emphatically assures him that she definitely can take a joke. JoJo. Girl. Don’t fall for this!

Unfortunately, I foresee a lot of this coming in this season. I hope I’m wrong. But, you see, our friend JoJo is under immense pressure to be the Cool Girl. She’s beautiful, but she loves sports. She has a perfect body, but she prefers her blue jeans to her sparkly dresses at the end of the day. As one of the guys so eloquently put it last week, “She’s, like, hot but also not crazy.” If you don’t speak Thinly-Veiled Douchebag, that means “She gives me a boner, but also will let me do whatever I want with no consequences.” JoJo is going to have to either play into this idea the men have of her as someone with endless chill and no desire to address her own needs, or she’s going to have to disappoint a lot of men as they realize she’s a complete person.

Anyway, as much as Chad sucks, the dudes’ way of dealing with him also kind of sucks. Especially Alex. Alex is so aggressive in confronting Chad’s aggression that it makes everything even worse. Man, just let the dude be an asshole. Why are you so intent on involving yourself in this doucherot’s life? Every second you spend aggravated just makes him stronger. Jesus Christ, just mind your own business and let him be the bad guy.

Also, as if he hadn’t already made himself enough of a character, Chad spent the entire cocktail party and rose ceremony stuffing his face with deli meats. If it had been anyone else, I would have loved it, but Chad? Relax, dude. You have enough established character traits.

So going home this week are NOT Chad or Daniel, unfortunately. But Brandon (occupation: Hipster), James S (occupation: Bachelor Superfan) and Will (literally who?). None of these guys got dates or really any time to talk to JoJo at the cocktail party which makes me think she just hit her limit for eliminations last week or else she would have sent them packing then. 

We got two (2) new episodes next week, so let’s all make sure to really be rested and emotionally prepared.

CURRENT PICK TO WIN: Honestly I’m not sure. I’m hopping off the Luke train. Maybe Jordan. He didn’t do much this week, but I think his standing is solid.

CURRENT PICK FOR NEXT BACHELOR: Absolutely Jordan if he doesn’t win. If he does win, then I’d rather them pull some rando off the sidewalk than have it be any of these doofuses, to be honest.

CURRENT PERSONAL FAVORITE: Wells! ❤

SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU DUDE: Chad

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