Your Weekly Horoscope (Written by Someone Who Just Watched Every Movie Trailer)

Welcome to your weekly SuperGlooze horoscope! I’ve just emerged from a wormhole in which I watched at least a hundred movie trailers. I don’t know what happened. I don’t even watch that many movies. Anyway, here’s your things:

ARIES: How are you supposed to get motivated when it’s too hot to move? Pump yourself up with the Assassin’s Creed trailer, obviously.

TAURUS: You’re jonesing for a good new crime drama, and baby I’ve got what you need. The trailer for Bryan Cranston’s new movie, The Infiltrator.

GEMINI: Looking for an optimistic celebration of human oddity? Thought so. Try the Captain Fantastic trailer.

CANCER: You love a realistic, intimate romance, so check out the trailer for Southside With You, based on the real-life romance of Barack and Michelle Obama.

LEO: It’s been too long since you’ve seen a good action comedy, but you can help tide yourself over with the Ghostbusters trailer.

VIRGO: I have a feeling the trailer for Japanese indie family drama, Our Little Sister, is really going to do it for you this week.

LIBRA: No one believes in goodness of humanity like you do, which is why you’re the perfect target audience for the Florence Foster Jenkins trailer.

SCORPIO: A dark movie about powerful women is right up your alley. Watch the trailer for Equity, a drama about the women ruling Wall Street.

SAGITTARIUS: If you’re looking for adventure, you might find it in the Magnificent Seven trailer.

CAPRICORN: You love a sweeping epic with plenty of symbolism, so why not check out the trailer for the remake of the original sweeping epic, Ben-Hur.

AQUARIUS: Your sign rules the future, and science fiction is your area of expertise. Check out the Rogue One trailer, and fall in love with Star Wars all over again.

PISCES: Mind-bending, thought-provoking fantasy is what you gravitate toward. Give the Doctor Strange trailer a shot.

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