Welcome to Bachelorette Party, the only Bachelorette recap series you need! Today, we begin our journey to find love with JoJo.
And no, it’s not that JoJo. Which is a shame because if it were, she could play this song every time she sends someone home:
Okay, so I didn’t watch the last season of The Bachelor because I don’t watch The Bachelor very often. Nothing triggers my abject rage like having to watch two dozen gorgeous, accomplished young women act like some bland mannequin man whose sole personality trait is “has abs” is their sole shot at a fulfilling life. So, I don’t know JoJo like Bachelor viewers do. On the plus side, though, I’m not already burnt out on JoJo, which can happen when you watch the same person so closely for two seasons straight.
Here is what I do know about JoJo: She is super fucking hot and the dudes will NOT stop talking about it. They also will not stop talking about how confident she is. Those are both good things, so I’m on board, even though the dudes are kind of gross about them. She seems fairly laid-back and aware of her surroundings. She clearly hates puns. I really like her so far, but I’m prepared for things to go south as we get to know her better.
Honestly, it’s all filler before the men start rolling in and meeting the Bachelorette. There’s the obligatory short bio on the Bachelorette and her experience getting heartbroken on the last season of The Bachelor. Previous Bachelorettes Ali, Kaitlyn and Desiree show up to give generic “advice” to JoJo. Des’s new haircut looks great. We get some background on a few of the guys, and none of it is interesting or really informative. Then, JoJo puts on that knockout of a dress (seriously, it’s so good) and we get this show on the road.
The first night introductions are tough. You want to stand out in the sea of thirsty, rando hunks, but if you try too hard to be wacky, it usually ends up being tacky, awkward or in some cases flat-out upsetting.
JoJo can only give out one First Impression Rose, but here at Bachelorette Party, I make the motherfucking rules, and I’m going to give First Impression Roses to as many gentlemen as I think made truly good first impressions. I will also be bestowing my prestigious Boy, Bye award to a few men whose first impressions were especially cringe-worthy.
ASHLEY’S FIRST IMPRESSION ROSES
Luke came in on a literal horse with a fake unicorn horn on it because unicorn’s are JoJo’s thing, I think. I’m almost 24 years old, but I would die for a pretty horse.
Wells is a radio DJ which honestly I aspire to. He had a cappella band All-4-One serenade JoJo and it was romantic and fun and great and not even that weird, considering the context.
Nice job, gentlemen!
Fuck Daniel for real. I hate this man with the raging fire of all three of Daenerys’s dragons. He introduced himself by quoting “Damn Daniel” and honestly he should be ashamed. I almost turned off my TV.
Sal comes in making a very crude joke about his balls which JoJo brushed off like a fucking champ. Listen, I’m not a prude about sexual jokes, but you can’t tell a woman you literally just met to squeeze your balls. That’s literally sexual harassment even if it’s a joke.
James T and his dumb fucking song had me rolling my eyes so hard. No one cares that you can play guitar, man. Every white man from Texas can play a guitar. I assume.
Boy, was this a drunk crop of constants. Wow! These men were just stumbling and slurring all over the place. Fucking Damn Daniel (back at it again with the too-short, clip-on tie) took all his clothes off and was poking dudes’ belly buttons. I don’t know what’s going on with this messy bitch who lives for drama, but get him out of here. Other people were unbelievably wasted, too, but I just really hate Daniel.
This bach batch is also way catty. First day and the claws are fucking OUT, man. Every dude was just destroying every other dude in the interviews. Doesn’t seem like we’ll get much of that bromance this season which is a shame because I genuinely love watching the friendships between the contestants on these shows grow. Silver lining, though, less friendship means more delicious, truly wild drama.
In these early days, there are so many dudes and we know so little about them that it’s hard to really put a finger on who really sucks and who might be kind of okay. However, I feel comfortable saying I am already head over heels for Ali, the beautiful piano man. He may very well prove me wrong in the future, but he seems so incredibly sweet and genuine. I love him.
I would bet anything that Daniel only got a rose cause the producers begged JoJo to keep the crazy around a little longer. I hope to Meme God he goes home next week.
I thought Chad seemed like real shit-starter, and the preview for the rest of the season is supporting this hunch. Although if a man named Chad manages to hold my interest in any capacity for more than a few seconds, that’s really a win for Chads everywhere.
What is Evan? Who is this man? He makes me so uncomfortable, and yet I must know everything. This man is 33, but he looks 48. His job title is literally “Erectile Dysfunction Expert”. He used to be a pastor? I would never have given Evan the rose, but I’m glad JoJo did so I can learn more about this strange, strange dude.
Brandon’s occupation is literally listed as “Hipster” and, like, honestly same.
God so many of these dudes I took notes about when they appeared and then had literally entirely forgotten them by the time the rose ceremony rolled around. It gets better.
Jordan, a.k.a. Olivia Munn’s fake boyfriend’s younger brother, got the First Impression Rose. He’s a football boy or something. Honestly he’s a very handsome young man, and he seems nice (for now), so I get it.
Like I said they all blur together at a point, but I think the ones who went home were Kilt Man, Balls Squeeze Douche, Some Guy Named Peter, Other Nick, Jake? and Bad Puns. It is literally morning when they finally send these dudes home. Morning. The sun is rising. Insane. These poor boys must be exhausted.
Rest up, pretty babies. A world of absolute bonkers insanity awaits us in the coming weeks.
CURRENT PICK TO WIN: Luke
CURRENT PICK FOR NEXT BACHELOR: Jordan
CURRENT PERSONAL FAVORITE: Ali
HONESTLY FUCK YOU DUDE: Daniel
Send me your picks and predictions in the comments or on Twitter or something.