A Guided Meditation For Bedtime


We have all had those horrible nights where no matter how mentally and physically exhausted we are, we just cannot seem to fall asleep. Well, don’t spend all night tossing and turning and wishing for the sweet release of death sleep! I have a guided mediation for you that will put you right out, just so long as you stay focused and closely follow every step.

First, we need to get into position. You can sit cross-legged if you want. You can sit on a chair. You can lie down if you want. Honestly it doesn’t matter that much as long as you are comfortable enough to spend an extended amount of time in position and as long as your spine isn’t contorted into some proto-scoliosis formation. Make sure you are breathing. Then, close your eyes.

Wait a second. I did not think this through. How am I supposed to meditatively guide you if your eyes are closed? Should I have made this an audio post? Hey! HEY! Okay, obviously you can’t hear me. I’m just going to wait here for a few minutes and hope you realize what’s happening and come back.

There you are! Sorry about that. Let’s continue.

Now we want to do is fully relax our bodies. Breathe deeply, and on each exhale, try to relax your muscles completely. Imagine you’re some fucked-up tangle of wet noodles that just slopped onto this chair/bed/whatever. Starting with your toes, focus on one body part at a time, taking as much time as you need to relax it as fully, and work your way up to your scalp. That’s it. Don’t rush this. It will take a while. Just focus on your body and getting it as loose as possible.

Oh man, you know I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of career I want to have. Like what kind of person I want to be, but work-wise. Like how I want to support myself and stuff. I mean, I have no idea what’s going to happen, but ideally, in like the best of all possible worlds just like as a fantasy? I mean, I’m not saying this is definitely going to happen for me, but I really want to be like… Mallory Ortberg meets Chris Gethard. Wait, no. Mallory Ortberg meets Chris Gethard meets Kelly Sue DeConnick. That’s the best way I can think to sum it up.

Oh, you’re done already? Sorry. Shit, what’s next? I never make it this far.

Right, now we’re just going to focus on our breathing and count. Just breathe however feels natural to you. We are going to count each full breath until we make it to 100. This will take a while, but just do your best to focus on counting. If you get distracted and lose count, just go back to the last number you remember.

One… Two… Three… Four…

So many TV shows got cancelled recently. Did you see that? TV really is dying, isn’t that crazy to think about? People have been watching TV forever. Probably since the hippie days and maybe even before. Now everything is moving to the Internet. Not that I think that’s a bad thing, you know, I think progress is totally great. I love progress. It’s just so crazy!

Wait, shit.

Four… Five… Six…

I really don’t think the new Drake album is that good. There are a few good songs, but mostly it’s boring. And like come on Drake we get it! You’re rich and hot now. Congratulations. Does this dude really need to turn flexing into a lifestyle 24/7? Can he just take weekends off or something? People loved you just as much before your pool was bigger than Kanye’s, Aubrey.


Six… Seven…

When you think about it, Jesus was kind of a cult leader, wasn’t he? He just rolled onto the scene, gathering followers with the strength of his charisma. All the established religions were scared of him. He seemed like a nice dude, though. I would probably join his cult.

What were we doing here? Fuck it, I do not care enough to figure this out. 


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