Thoughts on Adulthood From Inside the Duvet Cover That I’m Trapped In

 

I used to be 19 years old, most of us did. I used to be 19 and young and full of knowledge and dating my 19 year old boyfriend, and my mom and I went to buy a duvet from Tuesday morning for my new full size bed that I had gotten for my first apartment. Now, seven years later, I am older and dumber and I still have that same duvet. However, somehow in the past seven years it had wandered into some dog puke, parts of it had turned purple from the cool ruffle duvet cover that had bled onto it for some reason. And when I looked at it, it made me sad, so I did an adult thing and threw it out and bought a new one and a new cover too. And then, even though there are instructions on the package, I got stuck inside of my new duvet cover as I tried to put it on my new duvet. As I had a mild panic attack that I was going to die 26 and alone inside my apartment, only to be found later half eaten by my dog, I thought a lot about what it means to grow up.

  1. If you post on social media about having a big girl job, I’m going to assume you work at Huggies. When you’re an adult, all jobs are adult jobs. After college I worked in a call center for awhile and one of my coworkers confided in me that she was just doing this until she found a “real job.” We got paid every two weeks, we had 401ks, we ate sad lunches at our desks! She gave me her resume to pass to one of my friends with a “real job,” but instead I slipped it to my good friend Mr. Trashcan. Any job where you get a paycheck is a REAL job. This isn’t monopoly money, mom and dad!

2. Anything you do as an adult is “adulting” and that word is awful.  I ordered enough dominoes pizzas to get one for free and that’s adulting. I paid my taxes in a timely manner, adulting! My communal washer broke while full of my clothes and soapy water and I had to wash them in the bathtub of my apartment that I pay rent for and I accidentally fell butt-first in the bathtub full of soap and clothes and water, so it looked like I peed myself, and that was ADULTING.

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3. Being an adult means being very serious all the time. Literally, if you’re an adult, you should never laugh. Adults can only talk about the weather and sports teams and what their kids have going on at school. Fun is completely out of the question. Once you decide to grow up, you’ll never have fun again and you just have to deal with that.

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Oh wait! All I have to do is flip this duvet cover inside out now! I’m free!

 

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