Dating in your 20s is the dreaded burden we reluctantly force ourselves to keep enduring. A plethora of aps like tinder, bumble, ok cupid, along with the constant threat of human interaction, are all set up with one goal in mind: to help us get together. However, more options doesn’t necessarily mean good options. Though you’re sure to encounter innumerable dating missteps, these are the types of men you will inevitably end up dating (before your body is ruined by the cruel passing of time).
The Starving Artist He’ll say that you’re his muse. You’ll stay up late having deep discussions about books you’ve both only read the wikipedia page for. He likes his women to look frail, coked out, lithe. As soon as you have a steady job and stop eating ramen for every dinner, he’ll drop you quicker than he dropped out of his liberal arts college.
The Bro This guy thinks you’re the most bangin chick around. A total smoke show, an absolute dime piece, at least for now. He’s always saying things like “TGIF, baby,” or “Thirsty Thursday, baby,” or “Sunday Funday, baby!” He doesn’t think you’re funny. He worships Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler. You’ll break up after he hits on your little sister.
Dave Let’s face it, you’ll probably date a guy named Dave. He is so boring. Your mom likes him good enough, but makes him stand on the outer edge of group pictures, in case he ever needs to be cropped out. He’ll compliment weirdly specific parts of your body while you have missionary sex.
The Comedy Nerd You’ve finally landed a nice guy! He’s sweet, you get along, and you like the same alt comedy podcasts that the rest of your friends just don’t understand. He has no idea what to do with your body. He’ll fawn over you for a while, but eventually most nice guys evolve into ‘nice guys.’ Judd Apatow and countless sitcoms taught him that the world owes him a hot and devoted woman to dote on him at all times. You’ll break up, and he’ll write an unflattering stand up joke about your boobs.
The Beekeeper For one sweet month during the hottest part of the summer, you’ll date this kind and gentle giant. For those few short weeks, you’re his honey. He, inevitably, leaves you for his bees.
The Man Child This dude will not shut up about how great his mom is, of course, because he still has his laundry washed and dinner cooked by her every week. He thinks you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him, until all the pizza, beer, and PB+Js you eat together catch up to your hips. He not-so-subtly jokes about your weight. He won’t even look up from Uncharted 4 while you break up with him.
The Hookup This is the guy who messaged you ‘sup gorgeous ;-)’ at 2 am on a Thursday. You agree to go out with him after a night of Tindering under the influence. After a series of polite dates, he admits that you looked more bangable in your profile pic.
The Weenie This dude fell head over heels for you. He would do anything for you. He’s just a little too in touch with his emotions. Somehow, he cries at even more dog food commercials than you do. He’s good to keep around when you need a cuddle or someone to cook you soup at the drop of a hat. He doesn’t care how many times you blow him off to hang out with other dudes, he will always come running as soon as you call. Depending on your self esteem, you should probably marry him.