Summer’s just around the corner, and you know what that means. Vacation time, baby! I’ll be popping in occasionally over the next couple of months with some handy travel secrets I’ve picked up in my days of frantically trying to get myself from my bed to some other place on occasion.
Today in Travel Tips, I give you a foolproof three-day plan for vacation packing.
Well, you can’t pack all those dirty clothes strewn around your bedroom. It’s laundry time!
You remember laundry, right? It’s that thing you haven’t done since you visited your parents for Christmas. With the clothes. And the big box that puts water on them. Yes, you’ve got it! It’s time to do that thing.
The first step of doing laundry is to put all your dirty clothes that you want to become clean into a sturdy bag or basket so that you can carry them down to your scary basement that gets flooded with sewage every so often or to the laundromat in case of the aforementioned occasional sewage flood.
Now that your clothes are in the bag (You can double up some plastic trash bags if you have to. Should be fine.) it’s time to go to the next step.
Watch an old episode of The Bachelorette and take the rest of the day off. You earned this!
Okay you really don’t have any time to waste today, so as soon as you’re able, you need to get those clothes washed. Carry your bag down to the basement washing machine. Oh, damn. Your downstairs neighbor is using the washer right now. Guess it’s time to go back upstairs and watch that one Ariana Grande music video over and over until you have it memorized.
Remember right as you’re about to go to bed that you never got around to doing the laundry that HAS to be done by tomorrow. Do it, but have a bad attitude the whole time.
Fuck! You have to get out of here in an hour! Throw a random assortment of vestments into your suitcase if you have one. If not, just try to fit an extended weekend’s worth of outfits into your backpack. If you fold them all real tiny, you can probably make it.
Do you need a swimsuit? You should probably bring one, just in case. But which one? Try on all your swimsuits. Think about how you’ve gained weight since last summer. Listen to that voice in your head that sounds eerily like your mother say, “What would really be flattering on you is something with some more coverage, don’t you think?” Tell that voice to mind its own business. Decide not to pack a swimsuit.
Deodorant? Shampoo? Toothpaste? There’s no time to think of such frivolities! Grab a smart-looking book to put in front of the comics you’re going to read at the airport if you have any extra time. You’re not going to have any extra time.
Finally, summon an Uber and just hope for the best.