DEAR SILVR, WEEK 3: What Should I Say?

Just like last week and the week before, I am hoping this counts towards my court-ordered community service hours:


Dear Silvr,
A boy asked me to a concert and I think it’s a date and I don’t want to go what do I say? – @darcylou


Darcylou,

“I’ll see you from the stage!” Then offer him a free ticket, but actually just buy him the worst seat in the back so that he won’t be able to tell it’s not you up there. You’d love to hang out after, but you have to rest your vocal chords for the next show

Sincerely,
Silvr


Dear Silvr,
I texted a friend to ask what time they were going to pick me up and they answered with “k” what the hell is that? – @apocowarg


Apocowarg,

From my past recent experience, “k” was used in the following statement: “k. see you in 5 minutes, bring that cocaine you owe me – this is your last warning.”

So, I would get my hands on some drugs and hurry the fuck up if I were you!

Sincerely,
Silvr


Dear Silvr,
My mom has ignored all my texts in the past month and when I said “Mom why are you ignoring me?” she said “sorry I just forgot to hit send on my reply.” How do I respond to that? – @shleychupp


Shleychupp,

Every text you send her should end with a brief statement reminding your mom to hit send. Here’s an example: “Hey Mom, did you check out that funny cat video I sent you? NOTE: DON’T FORGET TO HIT ‘SEND’ ON YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS TEXT! ATTACHED IS AN OUTLOOK EVENT REMINDING YOU TO DO SO IN 5 MINUTES! THUS, IF YOU DON’T RESPOND, AND YOU SAY THAT YOU SIMPLY FORGOT TO CLICK ‘SEND,’ I’D KNOW YOU WERE LYING, AND SO WILL GOD! LOVE YOU! CC: JESUS”

Sincerely,
Silvr


Dear Silvr,
My friend asked me if he should start wearing a motorcycle jacket with a dragon on it. How do I respond? – @JeffreyParties


JeffreyParties,

Tell him that you think that would be awesome. “You have really good taste in fashion,” you’ll say. But then tell him that you have the same sweet dragon digs, and neither of you would want to get caught wearing the same outfit. Yes, you’ll have to buy one and do a photo shoot of you wearing the hideous thing just in case he asks for pics, but all the money and effort spent will be well worth preventing your friend from looking ridiculous.

Sincerely,
Silvr


Dear Silvr,
People keep sending me letters asking for life advice, any tips? – @skizelo


Skizelo,

Tell them that you are unqualified to provide effective advice, and to instead send those questions to a professional, such as myself, at @silvrwoman or superglooze@gmail.com.

Sincerely,
Silvr

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