What To Do When You Peaked In Elementary School

Everyone peaks at different stages in their life; this is a known fact and definitely not something that nerds made up to make them feel better about their own lives. So, inevitably, some of us peak really early in life and we don’t know where to go from here, don’t worry, I’m here to help.

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Stop Wearing Curly Shoelaces- I get it. They look cool, and you never learned how to tie your shoes. But, you’re 26 now and they really aren’t that effective, and people at the gym look at you funny when you lose your shoe on a really intense treadmill workout. Get yourself some Clark boots, maybe some trainers with real laces, you can do this and I believe in you. Your light up shoes are very distracting at the movie theater, though cool at the EDM shows you go to.  Also, Heelys are not appropriate work attire no matter how quickly they help you get around the office.

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Stop Passing Notes and Use Your IPhone. Honestly, I’m not fully committed to this one. Yeah, like emojis are cool but there is something absolutely charming about the way you ask women on dates by passing them a note and saying, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” However, the world has moved past pen and paper, dating apps are all the rage now and the likelihood of you finding love by passing out notes at bars is slim to none. Wait, though maybe that idea is actually brilliant. Shit. Throw out all your phones and go talk to people.

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Stop Bullying People.  Stephen from accounting is a total nerd, I get it. He does have a booger face and smells like butt, but you just can’t say that to him! You’re a grown adult and you have got to learn some social niceties! Do what the rest of the world does and be passive aggressive about it! Leave some deodorant on his desk, pass him some tissues, we like to be indirect about our targeted meanness. Talk about people behind their back. Show off your own insecurities in the way everyone else does, by putting other people down.

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It’s time to wake up and realize that life goes on. We can’t relive our glory days. I know in third grade you held hands with three different girls at one lunch period, you got to eat square pizza every friday with a small brownie. People picked out your clothes and made you lunch. God, maybe you’re right, let’s all go back.

 

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