Travel Tips: Airport Secrets That Will Change Your Life

Summer’s just around the corner, and you know what that means. Vacation time, baby! I’ll be popping in occasionally over the next couple of months with some handy travel secrets I’ve picked up from the jet-setting lifestyle that comes when your parents have enough money to fly you out to multiple family events each year.

Today in Travel Tips: Airport Secrets.

Avoid excessive baggage fees.

Baggage fees at check-in can be a real pain. But here’s a little-known secret: The airline can’t charge you for anything you carry directly on your person. So buy yourself the biggest sized jumpsuit you can find and get to stuffing! (Pro Tip: Secure the jumpsuit to your wrists and ankles with rubber bands so nothing leaks out.)

Streamline your security check.

We’ve all been there. You’re late, and you’re rushing to get dressed so you can make it to the airport on time. You grab the first pair of shoes you can find, and it isn’t until you reach security that you realize you’re going to have to take these knee-high, lace-up gladiator sandals off to proceed! Next time, avoid all the whispered curses and mumbled “sorry, I’m sorry”s to the folks behind you in line and just go barefoot. It’s not my fault if your tetanus shots aren’t up-to-date. That’s on you.

Skip the body scan.

If you’ve been on a plane in the past couple of years, you know that we express our gratitude and respect for the fearless, tireless TSA officers by allowing them to scan through our clothes and look at us naked before entering the boarding area. It’s a bit of an awkward process, but it turns out you can skip this step entirely just as long as you email a high-res, full-frontal nude photo of yourself to TSA-ContactCenter@tsa.dhs.gov ahead of time, so go find that one lamp with the really flattering light you can’t explain.

Circumvent commodity inflation.

Airport security is like a magic portal, taking you from your normal, everyday life to an exotic new world in which every single item costs six times as much as it did in the old realm. How do you avoid unnecessary water bottle expenses when they won’t let you bring any liquid through the magic portal? Drink your daily eight glasses of water in one go before you leave home, then bask in that hydration all flight long. Don’t worry, there (technically) are bathrooms on those things! (Pro Tip: The faster you chug, the faster your HydroPower Bar recharges to full health.)

Navigate any airport with ease.

We’re all pretty familiar with our home airports, but what happens when you find yourself with a layover in some sprawling cinderblock labyrinth? Stay calm, and find the nearest monitor with flight information on it. Locate your next flight (you might have to double-check your ticket) on the monitor. Take note of which gate it is scheduled to depart from. Then, take a deep breath and scream from your diaphragm, “HELLO PLANES. IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLEASE CLAP ONCE IF YOU ARE MY PLANE AND CLAP TWICE IF YOU ARE NOT MY PLANE.” Whichever plane claps once is your plane.

Quickly identify your belongings.

So you’ve finally reached your destination. The journey’s not over yet! You have to trek all the way down to baggage claim to grab whatever you couldn’t fit inside your jumpsuit. Most people slap a sticker or a colorful tag on their luggage to mark it as their own, but even those can be easily missed. Adopt a small orphan and have him sit atop your suitcase wherever it goes so there is no mistaking your stuff. (Pro Tip: You can even have the orphan carry your luggage around for you once you identify it.)

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