The dating landscape has changed immensely with the onslaught of Internet apps and whatsapp and the slow demise of all landlines. I tried to go retro and hand out calling cards to all my potential suitors, but I just got a lot of x rated photos sent to my phone. So there comes a time when you have to take things into your own hands, make the choices for someone else, build your own boyfriend. And so I did:
1. Start with any dude you can find, they’re all just robots you can bend and change to fit your will. Extra points if he is a self-proclaimed bro.
2. Lean him into it slowly, don’t just superglue him to the couch and put on Mr. Show. Be like “hey you like that show The League, right? It’s about sports, well Rafi and Andre have this podcast, you should listen to it!” Now you’ve opened the world of comedy podcasts to him and it’s only a short time before he starts heynongmanning you. Introduce him to 30 Rock, then Parks and Rec, then Happy Endings, soon he’ll be like “hey have you ever heard of the UCB show?” You’ve got him right where you want him.
3. Sign him up for an improv class. Don’t even tell him! He’ll love it! Plus that’s a few hours out of the week that he’s out of your hair and you can focus all your energy on writing your comedy blog. Encourage him to keep taking classes. Make him join a troupe, now your boyfriend is producing content that you can enjoy! Get him some flannel, glasses and ironic comedy shirts and you’re completely done! Congratulations you’ve got a cute comedy boyfriend who enjoys everything that you do and you won’t have to expand your horizons at all!
Author’s note: @thejjar allowed me to use his image for this post with the condition that I mention that he is single in a really casual way and very cool and chill to hang out with and maybe you could go see some comedy show if you’re anywhere in the greater NYC area pls swipe right on tinder. 🙏