Your Weekly Horoscope (Written by Someone Who’s Home Sick)

Welcome to your Weekly SuperGlooze Horoscope!

I got sent home from work for “puking” in the “bathroom” and now must distract myself from thoughts of all the money I cannot afford to lose whilst viruses wreak havoc on my poor, delicate flesh vehicle. Hence, your horoscopes:

ARIES: Stress = stress headaches. Either slow things down or keep a stash of Excedrin on hand.

TAURUS: Just because winter is over, you’re not necessarily in the clear. Keep getting vitamin C and plenty of rest every night.

GEMINI: Hot tea with lemon and ginger is your best friend. Have some regularly, even if you don’t think you need it.

CANCER: When you’re weak or stressed, your stomach is the first to feel it. Feed yourself healthy choices, eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re not.

LEO: The rest of the world doesn’t stop when you’re out of commission. Either make peace with that, or take good care of yourself so you don’t get run down.

VIRGO: Even the best of us fall victim to stress, nerves and illness. You’re still a superstar. Just maybe stock up on digestive aids like peppermint or ginger and cut down on alcohol and dairy if you start to feel like you’re slowing down.

LIBRA: It’s not the worst thing in the world to take a night off. I’m sure people will miss you exactly as much as you think they will. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you’ve got to get your regular beauty rest.

SCORPIO: I know better than to tell you to stop altogether if you start to feel under the weather, but at least consider slowing down or working from home.

SAGITTARIUS: Take it easy on the booze when you’re not already feeling your best. And if you do get ill, just think of it as a get out of jail free card to dodge your obligations for a day or two. Not quite so bad, right?

CAPRICORN: Stop playing the quiet martyr when you’re in pain. Just take the medicine, the day off, whatever it is you need. No one will think less of you. In fact, they’ll probably be relieved to not have to hear you complain anymore.

AQUARIUS: Don’t do anything too risky, friend. You never know which epic stunt is going to be the one that lands you with a broken arm. 

PISCES: Regular meditation is important for you. It’s easy to get swept away in anxiety, sadness or hurt. Prioritize your mental well-being and emotional safety.

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