Your Weekly Horoscope (Written by Someone Who Hasn’t Seen the New Game of Thrones Yet)

Welcome to your Weekly SuperGlooze Horoscope!

Look, I told myself I wasn’t allowed to watch the new Game of Thrones episode on HBO Now until after I finished writing your horoscopes for this week. It’s all I can think about, so let’s stop wasting time and get this done, already! 

ARIES: It’s all fun and games until the white walkers come to town. Be prepared to take things seriously.

TAURUS: Slow and steady wins the race. You don’t want to pass out from exhaustion in the middle of the Dothraki sea, trust me.

GEMINI: Do you want to win the Game of Thrones, or do you want to have meaningful personal relationships? Seek to answer this question this week. You can only have one.

CANCER: This is no world for the faint of heart or the tender of spirit. Toughen up, buttercup. There is strength in you.

LEO: Be careful not to burn any young children to death with your dragon breath this week!

VIRGO: Heed the counsel of your advisors, friend. Their wisdom is not to be taken for granted.

LIBRA: Get your pretty head out of the clouds and pay attention! You’re going to get yourself killed. Probably by a Frey.

SCORPIO: Your moves need to be more calculated and precise if you want to survive let alone win The Game. This is no time to get sloppy.

SAGITTARIUS: You might feel like galloping off to nowhere when things get tough, but if you value your honor at all, you will fight.

CAPRICORN: You mind your own business and you keep your head down. This may work in the short term, but what do you really want? You must choose an alliance eventually.

AQUARIUS: You’re miles beyond anyone else in The Game right now, intellectually. But watch out for surprise attacks. Don’t let complacency be your undoing. 

PISCES: Trust your intuition. The gods are sending you a message, and they will not steer you wrong.

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