Throughout my life, I’ve learned some valuable lessons, which have helped me grow as a person, and answer life’s difficult questions. Because I believe others could benefit from my knowledge and experiences, I’ve reached out to the internet, hoping to advise people whose greatest challenges have arisen. All questions were submitted anonymously, and the authors shall remain anonymous.
How do you tell a friend that you’ve outgrown the friendship?
If you have something to say to me, say it to my voicemail like a human being. Superglooze is not the appropriate place to give me this kind of heart breaking news.
I’m pretty sure I know why you don’t want to hang out with me anymore, and why you think you’ve “outgrown” my friendship; however, I would not like to share this information publicly. All I will say is that bored games are for adults too, and I wouldn’t have gotten so upset if you didn’t “land” on Gumdrop Mountain while I was busy re-reading the rules. Although I wouldn’t, and still won’t, apologize, because we both know you were in the wrong, I bought you a replacement fish, so I thought you’d be over this by now. Sure, it’s not as colorful as the deceased, but people love goldfish, and so should you.
That being said, I will tell you exactly how to go about ending our friendship:
1. Tell me how great I am, and how much you appreciate my friendship.
2. Say that you’re moving out of the country and you’ll let me know your new contact information as soon as you get settled.
3. End by letting me know how sad you are that we will not get to hang out anymore, especially because of how great I am (try not to repeat any of my amazing qualities you mentioned during step 1).
4. Facebook message me once a year to say that you miss me, and ask me how I’m doing. Most likely I will have hundreds of new friends at this point, so I probably will ignore your message anyway.
5. Go fuck yourself and your fish.
How do I get the most out of life?
Dear Mom (yes, I’m sure it’s you),
I know you think I don’t do anything with my life, but this is not the appropriate place to guilt trip me about it.
More importantly, I am already working on making myself and my life better, as proven by last-night’s purchase of the following self-help books:
1. Acting Smart for Dummies
2. Fake It ’till You Make It Seem Like You Have Your Life Together
3. Finding Willpower in the Dictionary: It’s There, Even Though the Word Holds no Real Meaning
4. Men are From Mars and They Should Have Stayed There; Women Are Also From Mars but They Are Not as Bad
5. How to Win Friends and Influence People, Part 2: Starting a Cult
6. Don’t Judge this Book by It’s Cover; It’s Great – We Promise!
7. There is Something Horribly Wrong with You; Here’s How to Fix It
8. How to Find the Best Self-Help Books on Amazon: What’s Wrong with You? Free Two Day Shipping!
I have a great job opportunity but it would mean I spend less time with my family. Any advice?
If you do not like spending time with me, you should just avoid me, like Mom and Dad do. It hurts me that you, as my brother, would feel the need to spy on me until finding the perfect opportunity to publically tell me this. Did you think KornRulzHansonSucks@gmail.com would not be a huge giveaway? I know you love Korn.
And that wasn’t even enough! You had to mention that you have a great job opportunity? That information seems irrelevant and unnecessary. I shouldn’t be surprised though; you are always trying to rub in my face how much more successful you are than I am.
Since I’m giving everybody lists this week, here’s one for you:
~ If you are in need of some helpful advice, please e-mail your question to SuperGlooze@gmail.com. ~