Grief and My New Diet

I want to be healthy. Oh I’m sorry, I meant I want to look good in the new high waisted bikini I bought this summer. My current repertoire of fast food breakfast and improv games as an exercise form doesn’t really seem to be a slimming regimen so it’s time to make a change. The fitness bloggers I follow on Twitter are always talking about how diet is so so so important to this new lifestyle change I’m making so maybe it’s time I really give it a try. I’ll meal prep for at least a week. I’ll buy stuff to make smoothies and I’ll definitely make at least one. I’ll sit next to a salad at lunch. Introducing the Kübler-Ross model and my new diet.

1. Denial– I’m doing great. I love this. I just feel better. I don’t miss cheese. I have like an energy I’ve never had before. I went on a run! Well, I went on a light jog. Okay, I just took the stairs instead of the elevator. Okay, I didn’t take the stairs I used the escalator, but I walked on it. This smoothie tastes like chocolate! Zoodles are practically noodles! I don’t even miss carbs!!!!
2. Anger– By day, I’m Bruce Banner, brilliant, calm scientist, but someone heated up a slice of cheese pizza in the break room and I threw my chair across the office. I found a bag of sweet Hawaiian rolls in my pantry and pelted people jogging by on the trail by my house. I rage ate a grapefruit and pretended it was a bagel.
3. Bargaining– If you do seven push ups you can eat one fourth of the block of cheese. Okay, maybe eight push ups. God, if you make me lose 15 pounds, I’ll never even think about cheesecake again. I’ll tell people not to go to the Cheesecake Factory; I’ll start an anti-Cheesecake Factory political movement and unite the country against menus with such high calorie counts. I’ll throw sweet Hawaiian rolls at the Cheesecake Factory. If I hit 10,000 steps on my fit bit today, I’ll let myself smell a beer. Literally, I will do anything for a beer.
4. Depression– I dreamed that a McDonald’s sausage mcmuffin showed up at my work and told me he didn’t love me anymore. I cried into my sweet potato mash. Someone showed me their vacation photos from Italy and I asked if I could keep the picture they took of their pasta. They said no. I saw an Olive Garden commercial and couldn’t get out of bed for 30 min, while playing Édith Piaf on a loop.
5. Acceptance– I don’t miss bread. I don’t miss cheese. Laughing cow cheese light is basically the same. I don’t even remember what a non- lettuce wrap burger tastes like. Eggplant pizza is great. It doesn’t taste like a soggy shoe. Everything is fine.

Dieting is tough. It can really test you as a person, but since I’m seven days in to this new diet I can safely say I’ve got it figured out. I’m practically a nutrition expert, and I will definitely make it another week.

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