I Just Won Every Cooking Show Ever


Chef, what I have here is a deconstructed grilled cheese. It’s a glob of cream cheese on a bed of stale croutons with a beautiful truffle oil drizzle.

Chef, what you’re looking at is a deconstructed shrimp cocktail. I threw a bunch of shrimp shells at a tomato, and then I crushed that tomato and infused it with truffle oil.

Chef, I’ve prepared for you a deconstructed chicken parmesan. I grated a chicken breast over a plate of raw spaghetti. It’s tossed in a truffle oil vinaigrette, of course. 

Chef, I hope you enjoy my deconstructed falafel. It’s an uncooked chickpea next to a cucumber that I smashed with a cast iron skillet. It’s all been soaked in truffle oil.

Chef, today I made a deconstructed key lime pie. I put a graham cracker into a plastic bag with lime zest and shook it vigorously while submerged in truffle oil.

Chef, you have today a deconstructed Beef Wellington. I… I don’t actually know what Beef Wellington is. This is an old shoe marinated in truffle oil.

Chef, what your dumb brain probably doesn’t understand is that this dish is a deconstructed egg. The yolk is in this cup, and the white is in this one. And this third cup? Oh, that’s truffle oil.

Chef, you may ask yourself “What is this beautiful dish?” And you may ask yourself, “How did I get here?” The answer is that I bribed your Uber driver to drop you off at my home instead of at your brother-in-law’s cookout so I could force you to try my deconstructed coq au vin. It’s a chicken nugget dunked into a wine glass. With truffle oil.

Chef, this is a deconstructed truffle salad. Yes, that is correct. It’s just truffle oil.

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