I’m a messy person. I’m not a gross person. Okay that was a lie. I am a messy and gross person. I exist in this reality. It’s fine. As a result, several well meaning friends have attempted to get me to read the popular book by Marie Kondo, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Because I am a true millennial with no time for self help books, I read some articles about the book instead and set about attempting to declutter my life. The first rule any one will tell you about this book is to throw away anything in your life that doesn’t spark joy, so here is a list of things I threw out of my apartment and how attempting to clean up my life ultimately ruined it.
1. My trashcan– my trashcan does not always spark joy. In fact, usually it’s full and even though I buy those odor absorbing trash bags I still have to take it out before the smell overtakes the apartment. Not to mention, my trash is out in the alley behind my apartment where the feral cats live and they always hiss at me and that does not spark joy! The trashcan has got to go.
2. My laptop– what a bummer. Now that I don’t have time to play the sims or civilization five the only thing I do on my laptop is work and compulsively check emails. Joy, unsparked. I know, I recently purchased you, HP laptop, but into the alley with the feral cats you go.
3. My cell phone- the FOMO, the constant anxiety over the fact that not enough people have liked my insta, the pressure to make my snapchats both chill and hilars. This tiny computer I carry in my pocket is basically a completely overwhelming reminder that my social media presence will never be vine star level, iPhone? In the words of Heidi Klum, you’re out.
4. My W-2. Paying money to the government is a real drag and looking at my w-2 I have yet to file brings me absolutely no joy. Come on government you are being a total killjoy. I threw away my tax forms.
5. My boyfriend– He normally makes me very happy. I would even go so far as to say he makes me supremely happy. However, as I was going on my Kondocraze clean of the apartment, he was eating spicy Cheetos on the couch, getting crumbs everywhere and angrily telling me that throwing away my laptop was a bad idea. CRAIG, you do not spark joy at this moment, and you gotta go!
6. Every mirror in my house. Mirrors are okay but eventually I just get drawn into them and analyze every part of myself to an extent and expectation of perfectionism that not even a Victoria’s Secret model could live up to. Plus if I throw out all my mirrors I can convince people I’m a vampire more easily.
After all of that, I can safely say that trying to declutter my apartment ruined my life. Partially because I put my boyfriend in a trash can surrounded by hungry feral cats and I haven’t heard from him since and partially because I misunderstood the meaning of “spark joy” and left a lamp with faulty wiring in my apartment because it was literally sparking and since I threw out my trashcan the entire apartment was covered in trash which easily caught fire and burned the entire apartment to the ground. But it’s fine because now I am truly in possession of the only thing that can spark joy! A copy of Marie Kondo’s book and the ashes of my former life.