Adam Sandler Hamilton: The Most American Musical

Some works of genius take years to gestate. They take an immense amount of labor, consideration and care. Take for example Lin-Manuel Miranda’s historic (in more ways than one) musical, Hamilton.

Other works of genius spring into one’s mind as half-baked ideas based on terrible puns that launch through one’s unsuspecting brain when one mishears a lyric. Take for example the way “Alexander” could easily be mistaken for “Adam Sandler” when listening to the Hamilton soundtrack.

Ladies, gentlemen and those of you who defy the gender binary, I present to you this, my finest work. Adam Sandler Hamilton.

Adam-Sandler-Billy-Madison-900x600

ROB SCHNEIDER: How does a jewish school kid raised up in Brooklyn by
New England natives named Judy and Stan
Suited with a (pardon me, acting degree?
I googled, but I’m not sure.)
Grow up to be a millionaire producer?

KEVIN JAMES: The Happy Madison man without a plan
Got a lot of cash by bein’ bold and brash,
Makin’ box office smash-es
Despite backlash
From the critics. Their words didn’t lessen his money stash.

COMPANY: Adam Sandler Hamilton
We are waiting in showbiz for you.
You will never be stopped
You never will be overcome.

Oh, Adam Sandler Hamilton
When we all roll our eyes at you
Do we know how you got this far?
How you became a big movie star?

The world will never be the same…

***

A 24-year-old Adam Sandler enters the offices of SNL creator and producer Lorne Michaels for the first time.

ADAM SANDLER: I am not throwing away my shot!

I just graduated from Tisch College
I’m killin open mics, and, like, I got comedy knowledge.
The problem is I got a lot of goof but no finesse.
Well I guess it’s my lot in life
To turn my strife into success.

Mr. Lorne Michaels, sir, you wanted to see me?
Have I done something to make you want to be my enemy?

LORNE MICHAELS: No, of course not.
You’re here ’cause of Dennis Miller. See, he thought
You might be perfect for my show
But I have to know-

ADAM SANDLER: Sir?

LORNE MICHAELS: Are your Saturday nights usually free, bro?

ADAM SANDLER: I am not throwing away my shot.

***

Adam Sandler has launched his production company Happy Madison. He is making films left and right, raking in money but neglecting his devoted wife, Jackie, who converted to Judaism in order to marry him. She begs him to take a break.

COMPANY: Why do you write like you’re running out of time?
Maybe these films deserve a little bit more time.
Every day you shoot like you’ve got no time to waste.
But don’t you think it couldn’t hurt to get another take?

JACKIE SANDLER: Adam Sandler! 

ADAM SANDLER: I have to leave.

JACKIE SANDLER: Adam Sandler!

ADAM SANDLER: Simmer down, simmer down. See the money I make when I just dick around?

JACKIE SANDLER: Helpless…

ADAM SANDLER: They are asking me to film.

JACKIE SANDLER: Simmer down, isn’t this enough?

COMPANY: Why do you write like you’re running out of time?
You’ve already got everything you could need to survive.
Every film you make tests the patience of mankind.
Are you running out of time, are you sure you feel just fine?

***

I’ll write the rest of this musical after Sandler dies, maybe. But probably not.

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