1) I can’t believe you got married!
The title of this piece clearly says that I am a single woman. You seem to have skipped over the title and just assumed that I am a newlywed. Just because I am wearing this bridal gown doesn’t necessarily mean I recently got married, please read the room stranger. Just because my Mazda has “just married” painted on it as I drive through the Whataburger line, doesn’t mean I just got married! Stop making assumptions about my life, stranger.
2) Get an animal, animals have to love you!
Listen, stranger. I don’t know if you are familiar with the work of acclaimed documentary director Werner Herzog, but he did this little movie called Grizzly Man about a man who loved grizzly bears. Spoiler alert: The grizzlies did not love him back. If documentary films aren’t your thing, there are plenty of other examples of animals not loving humans, shark attacks, the man-eating wolf pack of Paris, Siegfried and Roy. Do you think that the bees loved Thomas J in My Girl? Sure they loved him, they loved him to death.
3) You have to find yourself before someone can find you.
Listen, I have been on this Earth for 26 years. I have never once lost myself. I’ve always known exactly where I am. Have I been lost? Sure, but always in my body. My friend Elle had a crazy acid trip once where she thought she left her body, but once the trip was over, she was stunned to find she was still in it and had in fact, never left. Even the Heaven is Real kid admitted that his out of body experience was a hoax. The only thing I can assume from this statement is that I should be passing out business cards that say “Here I am, baby!”
4) You’re not going to die alone.
Women outlive men in this country, statistically, as a woman interested in men, if I marry someone around my age, chances are I am going to die alone. Plus, thanks for taking this moment to remind me about my own mortality. Like sheesh, I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet but don’t worry, statistically I will die alone. You know the easiest way to avoid dying alone? Dating the grim reaper. He’ll definitely be there when you pass!
5) Just put yourself out there.
As far as I know, I am not Tom Hanks in Castaway. I did not Rip Van Winkle myself while bowling with strangers in the woods. I have not been kidnapped by aliens, although I guess that would be putting myself way out there. I am a living human person who requires both sustenance and companionship, and although the internet can be great for those things, on occasion I do decide to leave my house. I have seen the outside. Some would say I have lived it. I don’t put on horse blinders while I grocery shop. I don’t walk my dog while walking fast paced with my head down, Jedi mind tricking everyone to look away as I pass. I’m out there! I live!
We are all just human people trying to make our way through this life before we meet my boyfriend, the Grim Reaper. Sometimes we go at it alone, sometimes we go at it together. One way isn’t better or worse than the other; it’s just different. There’s no quick fix for finding love (sorry Tinder) and there’s no reason to rush it or force it when it doesn’t happen at the time you want. Next time you try and talk to a single friend about their love life, I suggest “Hey, how’s it going?”