Welcome to your Weekly SuperGlooze Horoscope!
I’ve been watching Cutthroat Kitchen for so long, I’ve imprinted on Alton Brown, who is my mother now. Anyway, here’s your things:
ARIES: Slow down! Seriously, you might choke.
TAURUS: Hey, man. It’s okay if other people enjoy shitty food. Just let it go.
GEMINI: You don’t have to eat like a rabbit, but greasy foods and loads of alcohol with every meal will catch up with you someday.
CANCER: Remember that food is fuel for your body. Not a cure for anxiety or sadness.
LEO: Nice food is a fantastic luxury, but watch your budget. Your next emergency might leave you wishing you could take back some of those fancy meals.
VIRGO: Try a new recipe this week! (Ideally something light for spring.) Even if you don’t end up loving it, it could be fun to do something different.
LIBRA: Make an effort to catch up over a meal with a neglected friend or loved one. Cook it yourself or treat them. It’ll make their week.
SCORPIO: Keep the refrigerator stocked or else you’ll be kicking yourself next time you’re craving a midnight snack. Which will probably be tonight.
SAGITTARIUS: Don’t feel bad if you cave to the junk food in a moment of weakness. Tomorrow is a new day, and you’ll do better. Promise.
CAPRICORN: Jesus christ, dude. Relax with the salt. Especially if you’re cooking for someone else.
AQUARIUS: Food is just another way you can express yourself creatively. Really go nuts this week. You might discover a new favorite.
PISCES: You know what you like, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to try anything you don’t want to just to appease other people.