Your Weekly Horoscope (Written by Someone Watching Food Network)

Welcome to your Weekly SuperGlooze Horoscope!

I’ve been watching Cutthroat Kitchen for so long, I’ve imprinted on Alton Brown, who is my mother now. Anyway, here’s your things:

ARIES: Slow down! Seriously, you might choke.

TAURUS: Hey, man. It’s okay if other people enjoy shitty food. Just let it go.

GEMINI: You don’t have to eat like a rabbit, but greasy foods and loads of alcohol with every meal will catch up with you someday.

CANCER: Remember that food is fuel for your body. Not a cure for anxiety or sadness.

LEO: Nice food is a fantastic luxury, but watch your budget. Your next emergency might leave you wishing you could take back some of those fancy meals.

VIRGO: Try a new recipe this week! (Ideally something light for spring.) Even if you don’t end up loving it, it could be fun to do something different.

LIBRA: Make an effort to catch up over a meal with a neglected friend or loved one. Cook it yourself or treat them. It’ll make their week.

SCORPIO: Keep the refrigerator stocked or else you’ll be kicking yourself next time you’re craving a midnight snack. Which will probably be tonight.

SAGITTARIUS: Don’t feel bad if you cave to the junk food in a moment of weakness. Tomorrow is a new day, and you’ll do better. Promise.

CAPRICORN: Jesus christ, dude. Relax with the salt. Especially if you’re cooking for someone else.

AQUARIUS: Food is just another way you can express yourself creatively. Really go nuts this week. You might discover a new favorite.

PISCES: You know what you like, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to try anything you don’t want to just to appease other people.

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