Things I’ve Googled Part 1: How to Stop Crying

Ah the internet. It can answer just about any question.  Or you would think anyway.  I mean, a quick Google search will give you step-by-step instructions on How to Ask a Guy to Show His Muscles to You.  Although those particular instructions have been proven effective, let me assure you that Google is not right about everything.

Google does not know how to stop crying.  It doesn’t.  It thinks it does; if you ask Google “How to stop crying,” it will provide dozens of links to articles, lists, and instructions titled exactly that.  Unfortunately, those articles are full of meaningless fluff, the lists are incomplete, and you’d have more luck reading the instructions for an Ikea bookshelf – at least you’d have a fucking bookshelf!

Bing doesn’t know either, but fortunately/unfortunately I do.  So if the frequency and amount of tears you dispense does not reflect how you feel, and would like to strategically and appropriately communicate your feelings, just like many people are able to do, please read these tips:

 1.  Leave.  You think that you will be able to pull yourself together at any second, but you may be wrong. The welled up fluid in your eyes right now will have to go someplace, and most likely that place will be all over your face, in front of everyone. Don’t risk it. Plus, being in the same environment in which you were when the tears started, will remind you of whatever it was that made you upset in the first place, leading to many more tears

2.  Deal with it later.  You’re obviously still either thinking about what made you upset, or more often the case for me, thinking about the fact that people have seen you cry. You want to fix this, make things better, explain yourself. Do not attempt to do this now; you will cry more.

3.  Splash water on your face; do not look in mirror.  I repeat – do not, under any circumstance look in the mirror. If you think you won’t be able to do this task without looking into the mirror, skip this one. Seeing yourself upset will make you cry more. Do not look in the mirror.

4.  Smile.  Go somewhere private and do a huge grin; hold it for as long as possible. Do not look in the mirror. Trust me, you’re grinning – do not look in the mirror.

5.  Do something else.  Distract yourself from thinking about why you’re upset and/or that you’re crying by doing something that you like, but also takes some concentration. Whatever you choose, should have nothing to do with why or that you’re crying. For example, DO try to think of funny puns; DON’T Google, “how to stop crying”.

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