What to Wear to Pick Up Your Lost Debit Card

You’ve really done it this time you worthless, irresponsible bitch. How did you even manage to drop your debit card on the sidewalk without realizing it? You know what kind of person does that? A stupid one who cannot be trusted with the simplest aspects of existing as a human in modern society.

Luckily for you, a conscientious stranger found the one piece of plastic that enables you to live. You’re about to meet this kind savior to pick up your poor, neglected key to survival, but the question is haunting you. What should I wear to pick up my lost debit card from the kindly stranger who recovered it?

First, Take a Shower

Do you seriously want to assault the person who has taken time out of their day to return the debit card which you stupidly dropped on the sidewalk in a moment of frazzled desperation with the stench of your body and the unseemly grease slick of your hair? Have some respect. Maintain the one shred of dignity you have left after having to be saved by an utter stranger. Try to take pride in at least not being totally gross.

Dress Sharp

The person who found your debit card, picked it up, looked you up on Facebook and messaged you is probably a good, caring person. They probably also think you’re an irresponsible wreck of a human being. Who else keeps their debit card loose in their back pocket where it could easily escape when they go to fish out their headphones instead of in a wallet like the Good Lord intended? Prove your good-but-probably-judgey Samaritan wrong with an outfit that says “Sometimes even people who have their shit together can make mistakes.” So like… I guess a blazer or something. I have no idea how people with their shit together dress.

But Not TOO Sharp

Keep in mind that as accommodating and serving as this person has been so far, they are still only a human. And a human you don’t know at that. If they see you approaching decked out in luxury gear, they may change their mind last minute and decide you won’t actually notice a missing couple hundred dollars. Let them have the power. A little pity isn’t so bad. Maybe rip a button off your blazer or wear glaringly fake costume jewelry. Aim for “I’m trying my hardest, but life is still kicking my ass”.

Keep It Simple, Stupid

When the generous soul who just saved your useless, flailing ass from days of panic, hassle and humiliation sees you for the first time, do you want them to regret choosing the Right Thing? Don’t be tacky, for Christ’s sake. Clean lines are classy and timeless.

That’s not so hard, right? As long as you follow our guide, you can be confident that you are appropriately attired for this important life event.

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