I’m being punk’d, right? This is a joke. You’re doing irony to me. I mean it makes sense that someone would respond to my hilarious comedy articles with a hilarious comedy prank. I think? Ha. Good joke, guys. Guys?
Oh. Oh my god. You mean…
Okay, look. Not to sound like an entitled bitch right now, but I read your publication, and trust me, none of the stuff your staff writers are putting out there are better than anything I pitched to you. In fact, if we’re being honest, they might be worse. Like a lot worse. Honestly, you should be so lucky to publish my smart, funny, relatable content. I’ll be monitoring your website closely next week for the pitches you did accept, and I expect every article you put out to be undeniable genius.
I’m sorry about all that stuff I just said. I can change the direction of this article if you want. Or, like, you can just tell me what kind of stuff you want and I’ll just make my writing be that? Oh god please publish me. I’m floundering out here writing in this vacuum without any support or validation.
What if… What if my pitch wasn’t even good? What if I’m unoriginal, unfunny and untalented? Oh my god. I’m a bad writer and a bad comedian. I will never find success doing what I love. I will work unfulfilling jobs for below a living wage for the rest of my life. No one will ever read my words. No one will ever laugh at my jokes. I am not good at any of the things I love to do.
Oh, is it one pm already? Damn, I need to start writing.