Your Weekly Horoscope (Written by Someone Who Would Rather Be Asleep)

Welcome to your Weekly SuperGlooze Horoscope!

This week’s horoscopes were written while I was exhausted and aching for a full night of sleep. Please enjoy.

ARIES: Take some time to unwind before bed. Listen to a podcast or go for a leisurely stroll each evening.

TAURUS: Treat yourself to some new sheets this week. Nice ones with a high thread count and a pretty color.

GEMINI: When you’re having trouble quieting your mind, listen to some music for deep theta meditation and do some breathing exercises.

CANCER: Don’t feel guilty when you oversleep this week. You honestly do need it.

LEO: Make sure you’re actually making time in your life for sleep. I know it’s boring, but turns out it’s important for your health.

VIRGO: It’s okay if you have to set yourself a nightly bedtime like a little kid. A consistent schedule will be good for you.

LIBRA: If it makes you feel any better, most of those “genius” ideas you forget as you’re falling asleep are not actually that good.

SCORPIO: Keep an eye on your quality of sleep this week. The more stressed/upset you are, the less restful your sleep will be.

SAGITTARIUS: Your dreams are an adventure in and of themselves. Keep a dream journal this week and see what hijinks you can get into.

CAPRICORN: Set a couple extra alarms. I have a feeling you’re going to need them.

AQUARIUS: Stop forgetting to go to sleep on time. Set a bedtime alarm if you have to. You need sleep to maintain your sanity.

PISCES: Sleeping is a lot easier than actually living, but try to remember that even just keeping yourself alive each day is hard, and something to be proud of.

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