On Dealing with Unrequited Love

We’ve all been there. You like a person and they don’t like you back. That’s right men of Reddit, even I, a ladyperson have experienced this frustrating turn of human events. What’s a person to do? For most of humanity’s existence the answer has been put on some Billy Joel and cry into copious amounts of red wine, but I’ve found some ways of dealing with this crisis of self that I think might be a better way to resolve your emotions.

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1. Draw your crush’s face on a balloon with a marker. Take this ballon everywhere you go. You’ll feel like they’re always with you and if you start to get sad, you’ll have a balloon.

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2. Build an AI and see if it loves you. Don’t teach it to love you, that gets in to messy creator/creation consent rules that we’ll let Ex Machina really delve into for you. Give the AI your crush’s name. Don’t listen to anyone who says this is creepy.

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3. Find an animal that loves you and adopt it. If possible, make sure the animal doesn’t already belong to someone else. Do not feed stranger’s pets and attempt to take them into your home. Also, do not feed bears and attempt to take them into your home.

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4. Call your local radio station and request that songs be dedicated to you by your crush. “And now we have The BeeGees ‘How Deep is Your Love’ going out to DLou from her main man George Clooney, no relation.” Nothing like a light delusion to really boost the self esteem.

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5. Open yourself up to the idea of love, remember that no one is inherently unloveable, love yourself (listen to that Justin Bieber song if you need to), get out there, meet someone else, be a better person when you’re with this new lover, make plans, move in together, really commit to a life together, never remember this unrequited love again, learn how to really be happy in your life.

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