Welcome to your Weekly SuperGlooze Horoscope!
This week’s horoscopes were written while I was in a very bad mood. Please enjoy.
ARIES: Yeah, we all know. Your birthday is coming up.
TAURUS: Listen, that is not going to work. Okay fine, but you’re going to feel really dumb later.
GEMINI: I refuse to contribute to the disgusting amount of validation you’re getting.
CANCER: Hey, beautiful. Power on through. This too shall pass.
LEO: I mean… You’re trying.
VIRGO: Maybe just, like, take a nap. For the entire week. I feel like you need it as much as the rest of us need you to need it.
LIBRA: Here is a fun experiment for you to try. Walk into a room without having to announce your presence. Just try it. It might be a nice change.
SCORPIO: A cool secret is that sometimes other people have good things to say if you actually listen to them.
SAGITTARIUS: Please don’t freak out, but you really are not being as open-minded and chill as you think you are.
CAPRICORN: Your ambition is bordering on sleazy. Please tone it down.
AQUARIUS: Relax. You’ll get your mojo back soon.
PISCES: I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re all okay. There are no problems. Promise.