I’m Breaking Up With You as Soon as Your Dog Dies

All dogs go to heaven, but this relationship is going right into the ground. Or burning up. I mean that’s really your personal choice.


Listen buddy, I know we’ve been dating for almost 4 months now, but it’s time we had a talk. When I agreed to go out with you, I was under the assumption that you and your fluffy friend were a package deal. Why do you think I agreed to go on a picnic as our first date? Certainly not for the pleasure of sitting on damp grass.

You know I only swiped right on you because of that adorable Border Collie mix in your photo. I actually had no idea what you look like until our second or third night together!

I mean, I’ve known this relationship wasn’t going to work for a while now. The least you could have done when we started dating is let me know that Banjo was on his last doggy legs. Honestly, it feels downright disrespectful to keep something that important from me.

I’m only telling you now so you won’t be devastated when you lose the two most important and cutest things in your life at the same time. I’m sorry to tell you this, but as soon as Bubba splits, I’m out.

Until then, I’m available every night, I’d love to have a cozy night in. 😉  With Boo I mean. Well, you could join us I guess, if there’s enough room on the bed.

But hey, don’t give up hope completely! You know how you were talking about adopting another pet soon? If another fuzzy bestie comes into your life, hit me with a “u up ;P” text and a pic. Maybe we can work something out.

No birds though.

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