Martha, the forty-two year old part-time receptionist at your place of work has a real glow about her these days. It looks like she’s been aging backwards. “Martha,” you inquire, “You simply must tell me your secret.” She refers you to that transformative, maybe real but also possibly made up and actually now that I think about it almost definitely made up, ten-step process ostensibly utilized by Korean women for centuries.
This process is going to change your life and solve all of your problems. There’s just one problem. Unlike Martha, you do not have a wealthy husband to buy your specialty skincare products. Not to worry! I’ve put together a low-cost alternative so you can get all of those ten-steps while spending one tenth of the cash:
Step One: Makeup Remover. Look at us, putting gunk on our faces in order to get gunk OFF our faces. Ridiculous, right? Eliminate the need for extra product and just drag your face across the carpet until you stop leaving marks.
Step Two: Cleanser. Ideally, you want a facial cleanser that is gentle and effective. Something that won’t dry your skin out but still gets those pores clean. But let’s be honest, you can’t afford a fancy product like that. Just take that shriveled old bar of Irish Spring your ex boyfriend used to wash his butt with and really get in there on your face. If you’re too sentimental to throw it out, you might as well make some use of it.
Step Three: Exfoliator. A fine, gentle exfoliator to use daily will leave your skin feeling fresh and soft and bright. What’s that? You can’t afford trivial toiletries on minimum wage? Try grinding your face against a rough part of your wall every evening. That should do… something.
Step Four: Refresher. Refresher is just another word for a gentle toner. It “wakes up” your skin and “balances its pH levels” without drying you out or feeling too harsh. Some people will tell you that a diluted dose of witch hazel is already an effective low-cost substitute, but I think we can do even better. Why not splash some of that off-brand mouth wash on your skin when you do your daily gargle? That ought to wake you right up.
Step Five: Essence. Ah, essence. That vaguely explained, maybe magical substance that does something to your skin cells or something and costs 60 dollars a bottle at its cheapest. What Big Skincare won’t tell you is that almost anything can be an essence. In fact you probably have some vanilla essence in your pantry right now! Try applying that and see if anything changes.
Step Six: Serum. Use a serum to spot treat your face and even out that skin tone! Or just use that vial of your ex boyfriend’s semen you can’t bring yourself to get rid of. They’re basically the same consistency, so they must be the same thing.
Step Seven: Collagen Sheet Mask. You know where else collagen can be found? In the ligaments of pretty much any animal, of course! Don’t throw those eaten chicken wings away just yet. You might be able to find some stringy morsels to put on your face for this twice a week ritual.
Step Eight: Eye Cream. I cream! You cream! We all cream for eye cream! Just pour some of that cream you put in your morning coffee over your eyes. It’s all the same stuff when you get down to it, probably.
Step Nine: Moisturizer. Uh, ever heard of water? The original moisturizer? If it’s good enough to moisten a plant, it’s good enough to moisten your face. Why spend money on a nice facial moisturizer when you can get water for free any time?
Step Ten: Night Cream. God how many creams must we buy for the sake of beauty? This is getting absurd. Honestly what is even is the difference between “night cream” and regular cream? I give up. Do what you want with this one.