Author’s Note: I will be publishing this brilliant work of pitch-perfect satire in installments as I get around to them. Please enjoy Part One in which we meet our protagonist, Protagonist, and establish the unique world of Big City.
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM – MORNING
The sun is rising through the window of this kind of grungy but not really that grungy bedroom.
PROTAGONIST, a (probably white) dude who is hot (but in an non-intimidating way) and is just masculine enough that no one will think he’s gay (but not SO masculine that it’s threatening to teen girls) is sleeping peacefully.
An alarm starts blaring forcefully from the clock on PROTAGONIST’S bedside table. PROTAGONIST wakes with a start.
(He slaps his forehead.)
PROTAGONIST scrambles around the apartment, throwing on clothes haphazardly and looking distressed. He grabs a cute knapsack and rushes out the door in an awkward, clumsy way.
EXT. BIG CITY STREETS – STILL MORNING, IT HASN’T BEEN THAT LONG
PROTAGONIST exits a coffee shop. Not Starbucks though but like an indie coffee shop because he’s quirky and different. He has a a little cardboard drink holder thingie with like three coffees in it. Oh, hell. Why not four?
Dude is now rushing through the streets, trying not to spill coffee. He’s so focused on the coffee that he doesn’t notice a taxi about to run him down. The taxi screeches to a halt and honks at him. He jumps out of the way and one of the coffees tips over onto him and gets coffee on his shirt. He mumbles “sorry” to no one in particular at least 16 times.
Dude walks a little farther, and the same thing happens with a different taxi. This time he drops a whole coffee on the ground. Also this time he says a swear, but not “fuck” cause we have to save our F bomb for the climax, probably.
It happens again, and this time the coffee flies up and into his face somehow. I don’t know. Figure it out with your imagination. He starts crying.
Finally PROTAGONIST makes it inside a swanky office building where he works for like a cool blog or something.
He has coffee all over himself and everyone is looking at him and also snickering.
INT. BIG BOSS’S OFFICE – YES, STILL MORNING
He goes to his boss’s office and she’s a lean, mean business machine. Everyone is scared of her. Maybe she will sexually harass the protagonist at some point to add extra drama, but I’m not decided yet.
(coldly and meanly)
You’re late. Again.
I’m sorry, I really am. I just-
I don’t want to hear it. You better have my coffee. And it better be perfect.
PROTAGONIST hands the one coffee that actually made it to BIG BOSS but it’s all spilled and messy and shit.
BIG BOSS grabs it with her fingertips and immediately dumps it in the trash.
BIG BOSS (CONT’D)
I’d say I should cut your pay… if we paid you at all. Get to work on the Big Project. And DON’T let me down again. There’s a thousand eager, plucky boys in this city who would kill to be in your position. Never forget that.
TO BE CONTINUED…