Finally, the one you’ve been waiting for, ever since the two of you met and talked about your love of comic books and your hatred for citrus scented body lotion in the laundry room of the dorm freshman year. Your seventh personal, closest, sweetest friend has asked you to be a bridesmaid. Here’s everything you need to know to be a bridesmaid for the seventh time:
1) Keep all thoughts about her future spouse to yourself. Let her play the Meghan Trainor “Dear Future Husband” as you grit your teeth quietly. Sure her future spouse might pick their nose but at least they are nice to her.
2) Stop adding up all the money you’ve spent on bridesmaids up in your head. Yes, you could have a nice down payment on a car but you wouldn’t have the memories of the time you spilled red wine all over the teal cocktail dress you dropped $325 on plus alterations. Think instead of how beautiful this light pink chiffon will look in the landfill it ultimately ends up in. How the light will really catch the fabric as it lays next to yesterday’s coffee grounds and someone’s junk mail.
3) Learn to mute group texts. This is imperative! Also, keep all applicable gifs from Bridesmaid at the ready at all times. If you can secure being the funny/aloof one in the group no one will expect anything from you later on in planning.
4) By now you already have every possible shoe combination the bridesmaid could choose, nude pumps, black peep toe, gold, those weird red strappy sandals from Katy’s wedding. Make sure to point out to the bride how well nude pumps would go with the beautiful bridesmaid dress she’s picked. You’ll feel better about the small yacht you could have purchased with the money you’ve spent on weddings if you can reuse those nude pumps.
5) Hip flask, garter flask, flask that fits perfectly inside of that black clutch, flask for whoever you brought as a date to hold as an accessory. This is for you, but more importantly, this is for her. You need a slight buzz to swipe right on tinder and she’s committing to one person for the rest of her life? Bottoms up. Also, if you are going to be boozing this much, you’ll need some kind of snack for sustenance. Nothing goes better with eternal commitment than a nice cheese plate.
6) Listen to all the wedding planning details, offer suggestions. Look things up on your phone. Realize your suggestions aren’t good because you are thinking more about dinner than what kind of tablecloths will look best with the navy and black tuxes. Look apologetic.
7) Enjoy it, love your friend, love her choices, celebrate your friendship, celebrate her marriage and her decisions, remember that at the end of the night, you’re doing this because you love her, and try to forget that you took your nude pumps off on the dance floor and now you have no idea where they went.