“Abuse” for the purposes of this article refers to any cruel, physically/sexually/verbally violent or psychologically damaging treatment inflicted on any person.
You already KNOW that no one is allowed to talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee!! Just one problem though… once all my coffee is consumed and I’m ready to face humanity, I have nothing to talk about! That’s right, I’m boring as heck. If you, like me, have no discernible personality outside of your kitschy memorabilia and adult toys, then it’s time to let the cups to do the talking. Here are 11 examples of how you can use your crippling caffeine addiction to functionally trick people into thinking you’re interesting.
I definitely don’t miss you.
I’m writing this but it doesn’t mean I miss you.
There’s not a you shaped hole in my life. Continue reading “I Do Not Miss You”
Ah the internet. It can answer just about any question. Or you would think anyway. I mean, a quick Google search will give you step-by-step instructions on How to Ask a Guy to Show His Muscles to You. Although those particular instructions have been proven effective, let me assure you that Google is not right about everything.
Google does not know how to stop crying. It doesn’t. It thinks it does; if you ask Google “How to stop crying,” it will provide dozens of links to articles, lists, and instructions titled exactly that. Unfortunately, those articles are full of meaningless fluff, the lists are incomplete, and you’d have more luck reading the instructions for an Ikea bookshelf – at least you’d have a fucking bookshelf!
Bing doesn’t know either, but fortunately/unfortunately I do. So if the frequency and amount of tears you dispense does not reflect how you feel, and would like to strategically and appropriately communicate your feelings, just like many people are able to do, please read these tips:
1. Leave. You think that you will be able to pull yourself together at any second, but you may be wrong. The welled up fluid in your eyes right now will have to go someplace, and most likely that place will be all over your face, in front of everyone. Don’t risk it. Plus, being in the same environment in which you were when the tears started, will remind you of whatever it was that made you upset in the first place, leading to many more tears
2. Deal with it later. You’re obviously still either thinking about what made you upset, or more often the case for me, thinking about the fact that people have seen you cry. You want to fix this, make things better, explain yourself. Do not attempt to do this now; you will cry more.
3. Splash water on your face; do not look in mirror. I repeat – do not, under any circumstance look in the mirror. If you think you won’t be able to do this task without looking into the mirror, skip this one. Seeing yourself upset will make you cry more. Do not look in the mirror.
4. Smile. Go somewhere private and do a huge grin; hold it for as long as possible. Do not look in the mirror. Trust me, you’re grinning – do not look in the mirror.
5. Do something else. Distract yourself from thinking about why you’re upset and/or that you’re crying by doing something that you like, but also takes some concentration. Whatever you choose, should have nothing to do with why or that you’re crying. For example, DO try to think of funny puns; DON’T Google, “how to stop crying”.
I will be publishing this brilliant work of pitch-perfect satire in installments as I get around to them. Please enjoy Part Two in which our protagonist, Protagonist has a significant encounter with a stranger. You can read Part One here.
Occasionally, I find myself staring into a pool of water, gazing at my reflection Narcissus style, but instead of falling in love I just feel an overwhelming feeling of disdain and insecurity. We’ve all been there, trapped by Nemesis, the God of revenge, unable to look away from our own reflection and unable to realize that obsessing over our flaws is just as bad as obsessing over our own reflections. But, I’m here, with the help of pop culture, to assist you in finding true inner happiness. 3 ways to change yourself into someone you like:
1. Get you some “cool juice” or some “boss sauce” and a transformation chamber and become Stefan Urquelle. Maybe you’re whole life you’ve felt like a minor character in a sitcom that later became the series star and that’s not enough for you. Your signature catchphrases and superb grasp of normcore style just doesn’t seem cool enough, so find yourself a transformation chamber and watch out world because here comes a new slow talkin’ charmer whose never going to nervously ask, “did I do that?”
2. Get a former Family Matters guest star to make a bet about changing you, put on a red dress and a sixpence none the richer song. There’s no better way to know your self worth than by basing it off the judgement of a man who would later star in a live action a scooby doo movie. Get rid of your glasses already, nerd!
3. Do a good old fashioned body swap! You could do this the Freaky Friday way, saying “I wish I could be her for one whole day” or getting on the wrong side of the mother of a Chinese restaurant owner or Katherine Heigl style and wish upon a star. What’s a better way to find inner happiness than by just simply being someone else? “You’re it you’re the ultimate you (as someone else)”
When it comes down to it, you only live have a few options for finding inner happiness, one of these very plausible transformation scenarios or simply by realizing that you have to live with yourself so you might as well try to be your best self. The next time you find yourself cursed by a Greek God in the middle of a forest I ask you to just take a moment and give yourself a break.
I’m being punk’d, right? This is a joke. You’re doing irony to me. I mean it makes sense that someone would respond to my hilarious comedy articles with a hilarious comedy prank. I think? Ha. Good joke, guys. Guys?
You’ve really done it this time you worthless, irresponsible bitch. How did you even manage to drop your debit card on the sidewalk without realizing it? You know what kind of person does that? A stupid one who cannot be trusted with the simplest aspects of existing as a human in modern society.
Welcome to #MCM aka “Man Crush Monday” with me, Ashley, in which me, Ashley, will tell you their #MCM for this week.
And without further ado, this week’s #MCM is…
We’ve all been there. You like a person and they don’t like you back. That’s right men of Reddit, even I, a ladyperson have experienced this frustrating turn of human events. What’s a person to do? For most of humanity’s existence the answer has been put on some Billy Joel and cry into copious amounts of red wine, but I’ve found some ways of dealing with this crisis of self that I think might be a better way to resolve your emotions.